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Doctor: I’ve got some bad news and some worse news. …
…
Patient: Give me the worse news first
….
Doctor: You have Alzheimer’s Disease …
…
Patient: Dамn, that suскs. What is the bad news? …
…
Doctor: You have cancer.
Patient: Well, at least I don’t have Alzheimer’s.

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The Inventor of the Big Mac died yesterday.
His family ordered the largest, most lavish coffin they could find in the brochure, but were extremely disappointed when it turned out to be nothing like it was in the picture.

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Two people have been killed and another seriously injured in a knife attack at an Ikea store in Sweden.
Police are currently at the сriме scene trying to piece the evidence together.

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One day a woman watching the news saw this lady talking about a car driving on the wrong side of the road during rush hour. The woman realized her husband was driving on that same road! She ran to her phone to call him and tell him what she had seen on the news. When she got a hold of him he replied, “yes there are a lot of them on the wrong the wrong side..."

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Wife:
“How’d your doctor appointment go?
Husband:
“Well, there’s good news and bad news. My blood pressure’s high and
I’m overweight. But, at the doctor’s suggestion, I’m going to take up golf!”
Wife:
“And the good news?”

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So excited for the Apple iWatch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius.

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The World Health Organization declares Nigeria officially free of Ebola - hailing it a “spectacular success story” and if you Email your bank details now, you can be a part of this success story…

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Wow, I forgot how expensive New York City is. …
Checking into a Brooklyn hotel this morning, I literally had to give the bellhop $10 just for taking my tip.

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The good news about Joan Rivers’ death is that the body can go straight to Madame Tussauds

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Brian, one of the worlds greatest hypochondriacs, bumped into his Dr. one day at the supermarket. “Doc!” Brian exclaimed, “I’ve been meaning to tell you, remember those voices I kept on hearing in my head? I haven’t heard them in over a week!”
“Wow! What wonderful news Brian! I’m so happy for you!” his Dr. exclaimed.
“Wonderful?” asked a dismal looking Brian. “There’s nothing wonderful about it. I’m afraid my hearing is starting to go now!"

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So an American girl has had a third вrеаsт added, and called herself “Jasmine Tridevil”.
I’m thinking of having a second реnis added, and calling myself “Cockatoo”.

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Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool,Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.
He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna’s heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, ‘Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you’re being discharged,since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.
‘The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he’s dead.’ Edna replied, ‘He didn’t hang himself.
I put him there to dry…. How soon can I go home?’

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I was reading about this bloke who’s been arrested for exposing himself on a Ryanair flight to Dublin.
That’ll definitely be the first time anyone flying with Ryanair saw free nuts.

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“Hey Doc. What’s the news?”
“I got bad news and even badder news.”
“I’ll take the bad news first.”
“You’re going to die in one day.”
“Man that is bad news, what can be even badder than that???"
“I was trying to reach you since yesterday.”

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Samsung have announced that their new S8 will cost $899.
Apple have said theirs will cost $799.
This news has made my decision a whole lot easier.
I can’t afford either of them.

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News - Student dies two weeks after falling from a balcony in Majorca.
Fuck, how high was that balcony!?

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A dog in Seattle is making news after commuters noticed it had been riding the bus to a local park all by itself. Everyone says the dog is amazing, while the dog said, panicking, “I gotta find that blind guy. I’m in a lot of trouble if I don’t find him.”

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A study claims that Olive Oil can repair damaged hearts.
The study was conducted by Popeye.

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