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I've just seen on the news that a girl i used to date had been rареd, murdered and her body dumped in the nearby woods,
Horrified, i fell to my knees
"No, no its not right, no it can't be" i screamed at the TV with my hands on my head.
"It was after i murdered her i rареd her body in the woods!, .. After!"

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I see The Child Catcher from ‘Chitty-chitty ваng , ваng’ has got a spin-off mini series of his own;
Oh sorry, my bad, I’m actually watching news footage of Маdоnnа visiting an orphanage in Malawi….
==

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The news is full of lies… Just went to the bank to get my hair cut and security escorted me from the premises!

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*man gets abducted by aliens*
News reporter: whats these rumours about you getting abducted?
Abducted man: ABDUCTED? I GOT RАРЕD! now i dont mind rаре as long as im the мuтhеr f*cka doing the rарing! THEM E. T's WENT STRAIGHT FOR MY SНIТ-BOX!!!

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A man goes to the doctors and asks why he's been feeling ill. The doctor examines him and replies "I'm sorry to tell you, you've got the disease known as Yellow 24."
"What's that?” the man asks. "It means your internal organs have started turning yellow - you've got 24 hours to live".
The man goes home and tells his wife the bad news. His wife says "Well, will you come to bingo with me tonight then? Otherwise you'll never be able to." The man agrees so he and his wife go to the bingo. He finds that he's won the one-line and £10. He begins to think this isn't such a bad day after all. Twenty minutes later, he's won the full house and £150. He enters the lucky draw, worth £500, and wins that too. The bingo caller calls him up on stage.
He says "I don't believe it, mate. You've won three competitions in a total of £660 in one night. You must be the luckiest man on the earth!"
The man says "Well, no, I'm not. I've got Yellow 24."
The bingo caller looks down at the piece of paper he's holding and starts clapping. "I don't believe it; he's won the raffle as well!"

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8. "Thank goodness for these evaluations. They keep me focused."
7. "I can't BELIEVE I get paid for this!"
6. "Here class... just put all your gym shoes in this box next to my desk."
5. "I bet all the people in our administration really miss teaching."
4. "Gosh, the bathroom smells so fresh and clean!"
3. "It must be true... the school news said so."
2. "I think the discipline around here is just a LITTLE too strict!"
1. "It's Friday already!!!"

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The Republicans are smart: Reagan, he forgets everything; Bush, he can't remember. So you know Quayle's going to end up in office because he doesn't know anything to forget or remember.

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News You May Have Missed … Five Actual Stories …
…
[[ Five Smiles For The Price of One.!

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I've been thinking of a career change. I went to a career counselor and found out in testing that I scored off the charts for having a highly dynamic persona and a great smile.
I was also told I'm not very good at follow through nor do I accomplish much though I do appear to look busy.
Here's the good news! My career counselor told me to "run for public office", even though I'm over qualified!

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A California man has stabbed his potential employer during a job interview.
At least now he knows where he sees himself in five years.

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Mother was out, and dad was in charge. The daughter was maybe 2 1/2 years old.
Someone had given her a little ‘tea set’ as a gift, and it was one of her favorite toys.
Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when she brought him a little cup of ‘tea’, which was just water.
After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, mom came home.
Dad made her wait in the living room to watch her bring him a cup of tea, because it was ‘just the cutest thing!’
Mum waited, and sure enough, here she came down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy; and she watched him drink it up.
Then she said, (as only a mother would know),
“‘Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet..?

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I can't do journalism anymore because, as it turns out, there are two things that will get you locked up in journalism. One is malice; the other is reckless disregard for the truth -- these are my hobbies.

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Bob was in his usual place, sitting at the table, reading the news. He came across an article about a beautiful actress who was about to marry a man who was known primarily for his bad behavior and lack of good manners.
He turned to his wife with a look of bewilderment on his face. "I'll never understand why the biggest jerks get the most attractive wives."
His wife replies,
"Why, thank you, dear!"

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The Daily Mail has a feature about a woman who had a party to say farewell to her вrеаsтs before a double mastectomy.
I had a similar party to say goodbye to my testicles. A wedding reception

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Dамn, got some shiттy news today.. …
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I found out that соск fighting is done with roosters… Six months of training wasted.

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A robber was found wounded in an electronics store...
He tried breaking in from the roof but unfortunately for him, he fell on a 'Sharp' TV.

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A Kingdom is ruled by a King
An Empire is ruled by an Emperor
The USA is lucky! It almost became a Country on November 8th!

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Hillary Clinton collapsing is the second funniest collapse I have seen on September the 11th.

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