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Nike announced that this year it will sell self-lacing tennis shoes.
By the way, if you’re too lazy to lace up your tennis shoes you’re really going to hate tennis.

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Daily Mail online:
“Маsтurватiоn may help prevent the common cold.”
Hope so, I’ve got no tissues left

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His big thing now is we've got to get these evildoers... sounds like we're living in a giant episode of 'Scooby Doo.'

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Breaking news: Nicola Sturgeon says she doesn’t agree with the England Vs Scotland result and wants a re-match.

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I'm from San Francisco, and we like to protest, you know? We protest cars; we protest world trade. Basically, we're the most progressive city in the world, except when it comes to one thing: progress.

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Me (to g/f): Hey Lisa, it says in the news here that a study just came out that says hot dogs and bacon are bad for you.
Lisa: I know, I saw it too. What should we do with the bacon in the freezer?
Me: Oh, we can eat it; I bought it before the study came out.

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We're chasing the Taliban, but why can't we catch them? They can't be running that fast -- they've got on slippers.

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A window, a toilet bowl and a colander (strainer) were arrested for some serious crimes and were brought to police headquarters for interrogation. After the detective was through with his questioning, he was met outside by the news media.
"We hear that they all had alibi's," asked one of the reporters. "Why didn't you believe the window's story?"
"I saw right through it!"
"What about the toilet bowl?"
"His alibi stunk!"
"And the story the colander gave you?"
"It was full of holes!"

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My Granddaughter bought me one of those fancy do everything cell phones for my birthday. She said she'd come over on the weekend and show me how to use it.
The bad thing is I spilled some water on it and feeling horrible I called her up and told her what happened. She told me take out the battery, take out that card thingy dingy and put the phone in rice and leave it sealed in Tupperware over night.
I told her I'd call her back the minute I did all of that. When I called her back she asked what took to long. I told her that I do things the old fashioned way, I don't use that minute rice stuff and it took me twenty five minutes to cook the rice. She asked if I had submerged it in the rice yet and I told her that I had.
She paused for a moment and said, the rice trick doesn't always work. I'm sure it's going to work fine, I call her tomorrow after I get all of that sticky rice off of it tell her the good news.

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Susan and Martha meet at the market and exchange news.
Susan said: My husband was named Man of the Year.
Martha replied: Well that shows you what kind of a year it’s been

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In breaking news, Trump’s personal library has burned to the ground. ….
…
….
The fire consumed both books and in a tragic twist he hadn’t even finished coloring the second one.

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News: Men маsтurвате on average once a day.
Ah good, so I wasn’t the only one to lie on the survey.

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Some people think we are making great strides in the dissemination of information. They claim the newspaper is useless with news that is at least a day old when we get it.
So, my wife asked me for the newspaper ..
I said, “How backward are you?… The world has progressed so much and you are asking for a newspaper? Here, have my iPad ….
Wife kills the cockroach with the iPad….
I’m eating my words as I take the iPad in for repair….

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If the ice bucket challenge videos have raised my awareness of anything it’s that lots of people’s mums don’t know which button to press to stop filming.

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Mr. Johnson walked anxiously to the house and knocked. When a nice old lady answered, he said very sad, “I’m sorry, madam, but I have some bad news. “I’m afraid I have run over your cat. I… I would like to replace it.”
The little lady looked him up and down and said, “I’m game, but how are you at catching mice?”

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Here's how I will improve my odds if I were a Bond-film-villain:
• I will not burst into rage and кill the messenger who brings me bad news just to illustrate how evil I am. Good messengers are hard to come by.
• My vats of hazardous chemicals will be covered when not in use. Also, I will not construct walkways above them.
• If I’m eating dinner with the hero, put poison in his goblet, then have to leave the table for any reason, I will order new drinks for both of us instead of trying to decide whether to switch with him.
• My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.
• When I’ve captured my adversary and he says, “Look, before you кill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?” I’ll say no and finish him off.

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News: Australian man tries to rob petrol station with a boomerang.
Police believe he’ll return to the scene of the сriме.

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We have the greatest democracy in the world. Of course, you don't have to win the election to become president, but don't nitpick this to death, alright?

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