Philosophy Jokes

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Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art... It has no survival value; rather it is one of those things that give value to survival.

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What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?
Here’s a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:
If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
And
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
But,
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
And,
B-U-L-L -S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
AND, look how far аss kissing will take you.
A-S-S-K-I-S-S -I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+ 9+14+7 = 118%
So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there,
It’s the Вullshiт and Аss Kissing
That will put you over the top.

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Dad: You're telling me your entire class got an A in philosophy? How?

Son: We proved the professor didn't exist. What could she do?

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“Some people see the glass half full. Others see it half empty.
I see a glass that’s twice as big as it needs to be.”
George Carlin

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The only people who are sure about the proper way to raise children are people who have never had any children of their own.

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They say sеx can be a spiritual experience.
For me it’s praying that I won’t get caught.

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That grass that you think is greener. They use вullshiт for fertilizer. Think about that before you jump the fence.

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Sitting here going zero miles per hour on State Road 50 musing, why do they call it rush hour when nothing is moving?

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Just sitting here taking a токе of good gаnjа and feeling that some days you’re the dog and other days you’re the hydrant

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Just an observation: If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?

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I learn from the mistakes of people who take my advice.

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If you don’t believe in human perseverance you clearly haven’t seen a smoker trying to use a broken lighter.

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It is incredibly ironic that the people with the most narrow and closed minds also have the widest and open mouths.

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I Hate My Life …
…
I have a low paying job which I put my life and soul into, but my boss doesn’t pay me сrар. I have a neighbor who I try to be friends with, but he rejects me every time. My only best friend is a rетаrdеd man who is too lazy to get a job. I can’t get a driver’s license, no matter how hard I study; I fail the test every time. My garbage bin goes out more than I do…
…
And the worst part, I live in a pineapple under the sea.

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“A Wife is a person who helps you through all the troubles you wouldn’t have had if you hadn’t got married.” Chapter 3, Phrase 7, “Sven’s Philosophy”

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I don’t understand the point of lap-dancing clubs.
If I wanted a woman to take all my money and sexually frustrate me, I’d stay at home with the wife.

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The guy is 22, and he immediately launches into his life philosophy, which is cute when someone is 22, right? He's like, 'Here's what I think about life. Here's my big life plan.' I was like, 'You know what? I'll see you in five years when you're on anti-depressants and thinking about teaching. '

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Top ten things MEN would do if they woke up and had a vаginа for a day …..
…..
10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers. …..
9. Squat over a hand-held mirror for an hour and a half. ….
8. See if they could finally do the splits. ….
7. See if it’s truly possible to launch a ping pong ball 20 feet.
6. Cross their legs without rearranging their crotch.
5. Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes… BEFORE closing time.
4. Have consecutive multiple оrgаsмs and still be ready for more without sleeping first.
3. Go to the gynecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded on video.
2. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for вrеаsтs too…
And, the NUMBER ONE thing men would do if they woke up with a vаginа…
1. Finally find that dамnеd G-spot!

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