Mr. Wilson comes home one night, and his wife throws her arms around his neck. "I have great news. I’m a month overdue. I think we’re going to have a baby! The doctor gave me a test today, but until we find out for sure, we can’t tell anybody.”
The next day, Mrs. Wilson receives a telephone call from AEC (Atlanta Electric Company) because the electricity bill has not been paid.
“Am I speaking to Mrs. Wilson?”
“Yes. Speaking.”
AEC guy, “You’re a month overdue, you know!”
“How do YOU know?” stammers the young woman.
“Well, ma’am, it’s in our files!” says the AEC guy.
“What are you saying? It’s in your files. HOW?”
“Yes. We have a system of finding out who’s overdue.”
“GOD! This is too much.”
“Madam, I am sorry. I am following orders. I have to inform you are overdue.”
“I know that. Let me talk to my husband about this tonight. He will speak to your company tomorrow.”
That night, she tells her husband about the call, and he, mad as a bull, rushes to AEC office the next day morning.
“What’s going on? You have it on file that my wife is a month overdue? What business is that of yours?” the husband shouts.
“Just calm down,” says the lady at the reception at AEC, “It’s nothing serious. All you have to do is pay us.”
“PAY you? And if I refuse?”
“Well, in that case, sir, we’d have no option but to cut yours off.”
“And what would my wife do then?” the husband asks.
“I don’t know. I guess she’d have to use a candle.
Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive, it doesn’t matter which number you press, no one will answer.
If you are dyslexic, press 969696969696969.
If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the dash key until a representative comes on the line.
If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother’s maiden name.
If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000.
If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to you.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9…
It was a celebratory mood with the boys at NASA; they had just made the scientific achievement of a lifetime.
As they were uncorking a bottle of champagne, Dr. Lowenstein, the head scientist at NASA, asked everyone to be quiet as he had received a congratulatory phone call from the President of the United States.
He picked up a special red phone, and spoke into it.
"Mr. President," said Dr. Lowenstein, grinning broadly, "after twelve years of hard research and billions of dollars spent, we have finally found intelligent life on Mars."
He listened for a second, and his smile gradually disappeared, replaced by a frown.
He said, "But that’s impossible... we could never do it. Yes Mr. President,” and hung up the phone.
He addressed the crowd of scientists staring at him curiously.
"I have some bad news," he said, "the President said that now that we’ve found intelligent life on Mars... he wants us to try to find it in Congress."
A man checks into a hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely.
He thought, "I'll call one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths when you're calling for a cab."
He popped into a phone booth near
the hotel and found an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo.
He copied the phone number and returned to his hotel.
When back in the room he figures, "What the heck, I'll give her a call."
"Hello," the woman says.
She sounded sеxy.
"Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sеx. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks... We'll go hot and heavy all night; tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything you want! Now, how does that sound?"
She says, "That sounds fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line."