Jokes about Police Officers

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I had a knock at my door earlier, it was a policeman…
“Mr Cook?”
“Yes,” I replied.
“I’m afraid your dog has just been reported to have chased someone on a bike.”
I said, “That’s вullshiт – my dog doesn’t have a bike!”

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What must a policeman have before searching a rabbits home?
A search warren.

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A man was made the police chief in a nudist colony.
He liked the job, but putting on the badge was мurdеr!

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The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window.
"I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.
The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

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Three police officers were standing in line at the Pearly Gates.Sаinт Peter asked the first officer, “What did you do with your life?”“I was a police officer,” he responded.“What kind of police officer?” Sаinт Peter asked. "I was a vice officer. I kept drugs off the streets and out of the hands of kids."
"Welcome to heaven. You may end the gates.”He asked the second man what he did as a police officer.“I was a traffic officer,” said the man. “I kept the roads and highways safe.”“Welcome to heaven. You may enter the gates.”He asked the third man what he did as a police officer.“I was a military policeman, sir,” replied the man.“Wonderful! I’ve been waiting for you all day!” replied Sаinт Peter. “I need to take a break! Watch the gate, will you?”From "," published by Barbour Publishing, Inc., Uhrichsville, Ohio.

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A police officer arrives at the scene of an accident, in which a car smashed into a tree.
The cop rushes over to the vehicle and asks the driver, “Are you seriously hurt?”
“How should I know?” the man answers, “I’m not a lawyer!”

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Your mama is so sтuрid, when she lost her dildо she called the cops to look for it.

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A sargeant bawled out a rookie.
"Did you watch all of the exits like I told you?"
"Yep," the rookie answered.
"I think he must have left by one of the entrances!

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The officer reported to the watch commander about having no luck with the witness.
"Did you browbeat him, yell at him, and ask him every question you could come up with?" asked the watch commander.
"I certainly did."
"And?"
"And he said, 'Yes dear you're right,' and dozed off!"

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Eliz Wright: After All That.
If I've invested precious time and energy in a relationship, and I've been honest and open, hanging and coping, true blue, a good sсrеw, to some fly guy who's out constantly getting high, then I'm dumped - suicide is not one of my thoughts. I'm thinking maybe homicide.

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Eliz Wright: Down With O.P.P.
I know a lady who blew her man's jimmy off because he wanted to be down with O.P.P. Now he down with No P.P.

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The phone rings at FBI headquarters.
“Hello? I’m calling to report my neighbor, Clifford.
He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood!”
“Thank you very much for the call, sir.”
The next day, FBI agents descend on the neighbor’s house.
They search the shed where the firewood is kept.
Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana.
They swear at the neighbors and leave.
The phone rings at the neighbors house.
Hey, Clifford, did the FBI come?”
“Yep.”
“Did they chop your firewood?”
“Yep.”
“Great, now it’s your turn to call.
I need my garden plowed.”

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How many cops does it take to sсrеw in a light bulb?
Just one, but he is never around when you need him.

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Police officer: Excuse me, but your dog has been chasing a man on his bicycle.
Dog owner: Are you crazy?
My dog can't even ride a bicycle.

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A man knocked on a door an a women answered and he asked if he could use her toilet.
She said you have 3 chances, if you do 3 things wrong I`ll call the police.
So he went to рiss but on the flush chain there was a вrа so he ripped it off.
Then when he was walking down the stairs he saw her cat called Воовs on the step & he hates cats so he squezed it & then threw it up the stairs.
He then went in the kitchen where the women was & the women said why did you throw my cat up the stairs?
He said I don`t know.
While she went to get it, on the table was a glass of milk which he then drank.
When the women came back she said you had your 3 chances now I'm calling the Police.
When the police came they asked her what the man had done. She said this man has ripped her вrа off, squezed her Воовs and drank her milk.

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A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer, who was also a blonde.
The cop asked to see the blonde's driver's license.
She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated."
What does it look like?" she finally asked.
The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it."
The driver finally found a square mirror, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman.
"Here it is," she said.
The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "Okay, you can go.
I didn't realize you were a cop."

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One day there was a woman who lost her cat named "LOVE."
It was pretty dark outside and she lived in New York.
So, thinking that he might be down the street, she put on her house-coat and went looking for him.
When a police officer stopped to ask what she was doing, she said very honestly, "I'm looking for LOVE."
The policeman arrested her on the spot.

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A мurdеr has been committed.
Police are called to an apartment and find a man standing, holding a 5-iron in his hands, looking at the lifeless body of a woman on the ground.
The detective asks, "Sir, is that your wife?"
"Yes."
"Did you hit her with that golf club?"
"Yes. Yes, I did," the man answers. He stifles a sob, drops the club and puts his hands on his head.
"How many times did you hit her?"
"I don't know. Five... Six ... Put me down for a five."

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