Best Priest Jokes, Best Catholic Priest Jokes

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An old man bursts into a priest's study and says, " I've got to tell you this. I'm 50 years old and for the thirty years I've been married I never cheated on my wife. Then this sweet thing moved in next door and since then.....wow!"
"How long has it been since your last Confession ?" asks the priest.
"I've never been to Confession. I'm Jewish"
"Then why are you telling me this?"
"I'm telling everyone!"

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Two nuns are walking down an alley at night.
Two guys jump out and start rарing them.
The first nun looks to heaven and says, "Forgive them Father, for they know not what they're doing."
The second nun looks up and says, "This one does!"

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A Catholic and a Buddhist were on a quarrel on whose God is more powerful.
The Catholic said mine is powerful, the Buddhist said, no, mine is powerful.
They decided to jump on a high building and the one with a powerful God will hit the ground alive.
Buddhist jumps and calls Buddha.
Buddha, Buddha, Buddha. Hit the ground and lives.
The Catholic jumps and calls Jesus. Jesus Сhrisт, Jesus Сhrisт.
When he nears the ground and sees nothing is happening, he decided to call on Buddha, Buddha, Buddha help help.
He hits the ground dead.
Moral of the story. Have Faith.

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A drunк man who smelled like вооzе sat down on a bench next to a priest.
The man’s tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.
After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say Father, what causes arthritis?"
The priest replies, "My Son, it’s caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath."
The drunк muttered in response, "Well, I’ll be dамnеd," then returned to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I’m very sorry. I didn’t mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"
The drunк answered, "I don’t have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."

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A priest and a nun were on a mission trip up in the mountains when a snowstorm Came up.
They saw an abandoned log cabin and went inside.
The priest started a fire in the fireplace and found blankets and a sleeping bag but only one bed.
The priest told the nun that she could sleep on the bed and he would sleep in the sleeping bag in the floor.
As they were alone and beginning to get settled.
The young nun said, "father?" in a song-song voice.
He answered, "yes, sister?"
"I'm cold."
The priest got up and went to the closet and got another blanket and covered the nun.
As he was settling back into his sleeping bag, she again said, "father?"
"Yes, sister?"
"I'm still cold."
The priest got up and got another blanket from the closet and added it to the sisters' bed, tucking her in.
He climbed back into the sleeping bag.
Just as he was getting settled and the fire was crackling she called out to him again.
"I'm still cold!"
He said, "sister?"
"Yes?"
"We are all alone out here in this cabin in the mountains."
"Yes, we are!"
"Just this once... Yes? Just tonight... yes? Do you want to pretend that we are married?"
"Oh yes! I do!"
"Ok... get up and get your own dang blanket!"

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One day a priest told the Mother Superior that he was going into town and try to convert some ladies of the evening.
Later off he went and drove to a certain part of town known for the ladies of the evening.
The first one he approached asked him before he had a chance to say a word she said "heh Father, how about a little head for 10"
He was clueless and embarrassed and left quickly.
He approached another young woman and again before he could say a word she said "heh Father, how about a little head for 10?"
Again he left quickly and returned to the convent.
Once back he saw Mother Superior and quietly took him aside and whispered Mother Superior "what's head?"
She replied "$10.00 same as in town."

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A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar.
The barman says, ''Is this some kind of joke?''

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During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the priest with an unusual offer:
"Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows.
When you get to the part where I'm supposed to promise to 'love, honor and obey' and 'be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that out."
He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied.
On the day of the wedding, when it came time for the groom's vows, the priest looked the young man in the eye and said:
"Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life, and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?"
The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes, I do" then leaned toward the priest and hissed:
"I thought we had a deal."
The priest put a $100 bill into the groom's hand and whispered:
"She made me a better offer."

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An Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road.
A man asks him, "What's wrong?”
The boy says, "Me ma is dead”.
“Oh bejaysus,”the man says.
“Do you want me to call Father O’Riley for you?”
The boy replies, “No tanks mister. Sеx is the last ting on my mind at the moment.”

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They should add an eleventh commandment to the Bible:
Thou shalt not f… altar boys

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Girl: “Forgive me Father for I have sinned”
Priest: “What did you do Child?”
Girl: “I called a man a son of a вiтсh.”
Priest: “Why did you call him a son of a вiтсh?”
Girl: “Because he touched my hand.”
Priest: “Like this?” (as he touches her hand)
Girl: “Yes father.”
Priest: “That’s no reason to call a man a son of a вiтсh.”
Girl: “Then he touched my вrеаsт.”
Priest: “Like this?” (as he touched her вrеаsт)
Girl: “Yes father.”
Priest: “That’s no reason to call him a son of a вiтсh.”
Girl: “Then he took off my clothes, father.”
Priest: “Like this?” (as he takes off her clothes)
Girl: “Yes father.”
Priest: “That’s no reason to call him a son of a вiтсh.”
Girl: “Then he stuck his you know what into my you know where.”
Priest: “Like this?” (as he stuck his you know what into her you know where)
Girl: “YES FATHER, YES FATHER, YES FATHER!!!”
Priest: (after a few minutes): “That’s no reason to call him a son of a вiтсh.”
Girl: “But father he had AIDS!”
Priest: “THAT SON OF A ВIТСН!!!”

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A priest, a rарisт, a реdорhilе and a homosexual walk into a bar…
He orders a drink.

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Q: How is a Catholic priest like a Christmas tree?
A: The ваlls are just for decoration.

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Q: Need an ark to save two of every animal?
A: I Noah guy.

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Do you need an Ark? Because I Noah guy.

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If money is the root of all evil, then why do they ask for it in church?

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In New York City, a man is going to jump off the building.
Up rushes good Irish cop to talk him down.
Cop yells up to the man "Don't jump! Think of your father"
Man replies "Haven't got a father; I'm going to jump."
The copy goes through a list of relatives, mother, brothers, sister, etc. Each time man says "haven't got one; going to jump."
Desperate the cop yells up "Don't jump! Think of the Blessed Virgin"
Man replies "Who is that?"
Cop yells "Jump, Protestant! You're blocking traffic!"

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This Priest dies and goes to Heaven…
When he gets there, he finds he’s being judged at the same time as a taxi driver. Sаinт Peter declares that the priest is going to hеll and the taxi driver is going to heaven.
The priest is outraged and asks how someone as pious as he is going to hеll, and someone like a mere taxi driver could achieve heaven.
“Well,” says Sаinт Peter. “When you were preaching your sermons, you didn’t do that much to increase piety in the world. In fact you put scores of people to sleep in the pews. But this taxi driver? You can’t believe how many people were wide awake, fervently praying as he sped through the streets.”

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