A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee. "What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?" The husband looks up, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 17?" he asks solemnly. The wife is touched, thinking her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do," she replies. The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the backseat of my car?"
"Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continues, "Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said,
"Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years!"
"I remember that too," she replies softly. He wipes another tear from his cheek and says,
"I would have gotten out today!"
A husband and wife are moving out of their house and are starting to box everything up. The husband finds a box under the bed, pulls it out, and looks inside, where he finds two eggs and about $8,000. He approaches the wife and asks, "What are the eggs for?" She replies,
"Every time I cheat on you, I put an egg in the box." He says,
"That's alright, you've only cheated on me twice. What's the money for?" The wife replies,
"Every time I get a dozen, I sell them!"
Roger is a hard worker, and he spends most of his nights bowling or playing volleyball. One weekend, his wife decides that he needs to relax a little and take a break from sports, so she takes him to a sтriр club. The doorman at the club spots them and says "Hey Roger! How are you tonight?" His wife, surprised, asks her husband if he has been here before. "No, no. He's just one of the guys I bowl with." They are seated, and the waitress approaches, sees Roger and says "Nice to see you, Roger. A gin and tonic as usual?" His wife's eyes widen. "You must come here a lot!"
"No, no" says Roger "I just know her from volleyball." Then a stripper walks up to the table. She throws her arms around Roger and says "Roger! A table dance as usual?" His wife, fuming, collects her things and storms out of the bar. Roger follows her and spots her getting into a cab, so he jumps into the passenger seat. His wife looks at him, seething with fury and flips out on Roger. Just then, the cabby leans over and says "Sure looks like you picked up a вiтсh tonight, Roger!"
This guy is sentenced to prison, and on his first day in jail, he meets his new cellmate…
…
His new cellmate is a very large, mean-looking beast of a man, whose nickname is ‘Butch.’ He immediately asks, “Do you want to be the husband or the wife?”
The new inmate thinks to himself, “Well, if I have to do this, I might as well be the husband in this relationship,” after which he says to his intimidating cellmate, “I would like to be the husband.”
Butch is at least 300 pounds and he grins and replies, “Great! Now come over here and suск your wife’s diск.”
There are three women. One is dating, one is engaged, and one is married. They decide to get кinкy with their men and really pull out all the stops to make it extra special. The woman who is dating says, “Okay, so I bought black leather, red lipstick, fishnet stockings, and really got crazy. He loved it so much he thinks he’s in love.” The woman who is engaged says, “I showed up to his work after hours wearing only a red coat. Let’s just say he wants to move the wedding date up!” The woman who is married says, “Okay, I really went all out. I got a babysitter for the kids, and bought a black mask and a whip. My husband gets home, goes straight to the fridge, and grabs a вееr. Then he plops down on the couch and says, 'Hey Batman! Where the fuск is dinner?!?'"