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Relationship Jokes

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On his deathbed barely able to breathe, Edward smelled the aroma of freshly baked brownies. He always had a passion for this confection and thought to himself, "If I could just have one more brownie I could die in peace!"
He called to his wife but his voice was so frail she couldn't hear him. Not getting an answer, he slid out of the bed and onto the floor, then dragged himself across the room and out into the hallway.
Down the hall and down the stairs he slowly moved, crawling hand over hand closer to that heavenly smell. At the bottom of the stairs he pulled himself along painfully-hand over hand closer to that delicious aroma. He continued-through the living room, across the dining room, and finally up into his chair at the dining table. He reached across the table and grabbed the tray of freshly baked brownies.
But as Edward dragged the tray toward himself it made a scraping noise, and suddenly he heard his wife yell from the kitchen, "Don't touch the brownies, they're for the funeral!"
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When I say to a guy, 'Look, we've gotta talk,' what I really mean is, 'We've been together for months. I've now twisted my personality into an emotional pretzel to accommodate your every need. I want to know your idea of commitment versus my idea of commitment. Are we getting married? Are we having kids? Are we going to couples counseling? Where's this relationship going? I want to know.' When a guy says to me, 'Look, we've gotta talk,' what he means is, 'I want to have sеx with someone else, and will this interfere with me having sеx with you.'
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Why do women love gold more than men?
Because gold has 24 carrots whereas a man only has 1 carrot !
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Slept on the sofa last night. Apparently when my wife asked me to bring her something from the store for pancakes she wasn’t talking about a вrа.
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Bo tells Jed, "Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your advice about where to go."
"Well, what are you going to do, then?" Jed asks.
"Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earlene got pregnant."
"Yeah," Jed agrees.
"Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Earlene got pregnant again."
"I remember," Jed says.
"Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earlene didn't get pregnant again."
"So," Jed asks, "what you gonna do this year that's different?"
"Well," Bo replies,
"This year I'm taking Earlene with me."
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The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship "I apologize" and "You are right."
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Normally, I don't go for the piercings and tattoos, but then she said to me that she got them because she's addicted to the pain. Yeah, which -- I was kind of intimidated, but kind of turned on at the same time. 'Cause y'all don't know, but I've been out of a relationship for three months now. I'm ready to have that just-out-of-prison sеx.
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Yesterday I went through a costly and painful procedure that required me to have my spine and both testicles removed.
Still, I got some fantastic wedding presents.
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Can’t believe how long my wife and kids spend on eBay. It’s been weeks and still nobody has made a bid for them.
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W. Washing
I. Ironing
F. F*cking
E. Etcetera
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Q. What does an Ikea cabinet and a marriage have in common?
A. One sсrеw out of place and the whole thing falls apart.
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Just broke up with my girlfriend. Don‘t know where me and Helen (or ‘saggy тiтs’ as I used to call her) went wrong.
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My wife recently told me she wanted to go around the world so for her birthday I decided to buy her an atlas.
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Can’t believe how much my girlfriend is crying about her new haircut. Its much worse for me, I’m the one who’s gonna have to find a new girlfriend now.
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Yesterday I asked my wife what she wanted for her upcoming birthday and she told me she wants something with a lot of diamonds. I hope she likes the pack of playing cards I got her.
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A relationship without trust is like a phone without service. And what do you do with a phone without service? You play games.
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When I was a kid me and my dad used to play hide and seek. He’s been gone for 20 years now, where are you dad?
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"What did I do wrong, baby? [silence] Sweetheart... tell me what's wrong."
"Nothing."
"I know something's wrong..."
"I'm fine."
"Just tell me what I did."
"You know what you did."
"I really don't! Please tell me so I can fix it."
"I shouldn't have to tell you. You should already know."
"Well, please... since I don't... please just tell me!"
[She sighs and turns around.] "Back in 1985..."
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