Relationship Jokes

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I love creature comfort. That's why when I'm coming off a relationship, I like to shave my left leg. That way when I roll over at night, it feels like there's a woman in bed with me.

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I lost my grandad last year. He’s not dead he’s just wondering round ikea.

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Two women met in heaven who were previous acquaintances on earth.
One said,
"I can't believe you're here so soon what happened?"
She exclaimed, "I froze to death!"
The other said,
"That's terrible how'd it happen?"
"Well I started shivering uncontrollably, fell asleep and here I am!" Then she asked how her friend died.
She exclaimed "I had a heart attack! I came home to find my husband sitting in his lazy chair and I just knew it was cheating on me so I ran around the house looking everywhere for another woman I looked in the basement looked in the attic look behind the shower curtain in the bathroom and I ran myself into a frenzy and collapsed of a heart attack.
Finally her friend replied "If you would have just look in the freezer we both still be alive!'.

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A man, fond of practical jokes, decided late one night to send his friend a collect telegram which read:
"I am perfectly well."
A week later, the joker received a heavy parcel... Collect... On which he had to pay considerable charges. Upon opening it, he found a big block of concrete which had this message:
"This is the weight your telegram lifted from my mind."

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The following inspirational conversation took place with my dad earlier today.
Dad: There’s no such thing as “can’t”.
Me: Wow, thanks for the inspirational message dad but I was actually calling you a сunт.

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Me and my girlfriend were in the throes of sеxuаl ecstasy last night when she whispered, “leave me breathless darling.”
So I punched her in the stomach.

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Six retired friends were playing poker when one of them loses $1500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. One of the guys says, “We’ve got to go tell his wife, who’s going to do it?”
They draw straws and Bob picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet and gentle and not to make a bad situation any worse. "Leave it to me," Bob says.
He goes over to his friend’s house and knocks on the door. When the dead man’s wife answers, Bob says,
"Your husband just lost $1500 and is afraid to come home."
"$1500? Tell him to drop dead!" snarls the wife.
"I'll go tell him." says Bob.

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Yesterday when we were in bed my wife shouted at me and told me I was really annoying… I almost choked on my popcorn.

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The conversation starts between girl and boy:
Boy: Do you have pen?
Girl: No,I don't have.
Boy: Do you have a pen?
Girl: She became angry and replied and no no I don't have a pen.
Again after sometime the boy asked; do you have a pen?
Girl: No! NO... again if you ask once I will hit you by a hammer?
Boy: Do you have a hammer?

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My husband had just lost 50 pounds when, after eight years of being a housewife, I had taken a job in a restaurant.
When I returned home after my first day at work, I gave my husband a big hug. He seemed to cling to me longer than usual. "Did you really miss me that much today, dear?" I asked.
"No," came the reply. "But you smell so much like pancakes that I hate to let you go."

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Spoke to my family today after my WiFi went down. They seem like nice people.

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A husband says to his wife, "Honey I just won the lottery. Pack your bags!" The wife says,
"Great. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?" The husband replies,
"I don't care, just get the hеll out!"

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Had a one night stand last year that went horribly wrong, we’re now married.

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I come from a small family. I’m the youngest of three, my parents are both older.

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Spoke to my son yesterday to teach him about the birds and the bees. He ended up teaching me about my wife and the milkman.

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My ex-girlfriend was really terrible in bed. She would just lie there screaming “noooooo!”.

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When your ex-girlfriend tells you she has AIDS it can be really difficult to deal with. I had to try really hard to sound surprised.

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The new metro cop pulled a speeder who was zipping down Maple Avenue.
"Can I see your license and registration, bub?", the cop inquired.
"But officer," the fellow started, "I can explain..."
"Shut yer trap, bub!" snapped the officer. "You're going downtown
And sit a while till the sarge gets back."
"But, officer, I think you really should know..."
"And I said to shut yer trap! You're going to jail!"
A few hours later the cop looked in on his prisoner and said,
"Lucky for you that the sarge is at his daughter's wedding.
He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."
"Don't count on it," shot back the sap in the cell. "I'm the groom."

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