Relationship Jokes

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Earlier today my wife asked me to pass her some lip balm but I ended up giving her superglue by mistake. She’s still not talking to me.

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British scientists have demonstrated that cigarettes can harm your children. Fair enough. Use an ashtray!

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When I found out my girlfriend was having a baby my life really changed. I changed my name, address and phone number.

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Cant believe how cheeky my son is. I bought him a bb gun for christmas and he got me a sweatshirt with a bullseye on the back.

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I lost my job recently and don’t have much money but managed to get my girlfriend some really nice flowers the other day. It’s amazing what you can find attached to a lamppost.

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I've just ended this relationship with this woman. I think the chemistry was all wrong -- she blew up.

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Had a really stiff neck when I woke up this morning. My wife said she hopes it spreads.

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A weeping woman bursts into her hypnotherapist's office and declares, "Doctor, I have been faithful to my husband for 15 years, but yesterday I broke that trust and had an affair! The guilt is killing me. I just want to forget that it ever happened!"
The hypnotherapist shakes his head and says. "Not again..."

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Went on a date with a girl and I told her to text me when she got home. It’s been 3 weeks now and I still haven’t got a text, I think she must be homeless.

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After 3 years of marriage, me and the wife had our first real fight last night.
I called my dad for advice on how to fix things.
He told me to apologize and admit I was wrong.
I was really looking for advice on how to dispose of the body.

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Q. What do women and bacon have in common?
A. They both look, smell and taste amazing but they also both slowly кill you.

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The other day my wife asked me to buy her something to make her look nice so I went to the liquor store.

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Ten Things You’ll Never Hear A Woman Say …… ….
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10. What do you mean today’s our anniversary? …
9. Can we not talk to each other tonight? I’d rather just watch TV. ….
8. Ohh, this diamond ring is way too big. …
7. And for our honeymoon we’re going fishing in Alaska! …
6. Can our relationship get a little more physical? I’m tired of being “just friends.” …
5. Honey, does this outfit make my вuтт look too small? …
4. Aww, don’t stop for directions, I’m sure you’ll be able to figure out how to get there.
3. Is that phone for me? Tell ’em I’m not here.
2. I don’t care if it is on sale, 300 dollars is too much for a designer dress.
1. Hey, pull my finger!

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I’ve always had a difficult relationship with my parents. When I was first born I didn’t speak to them for 2 years.

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Q. What’s the female version of a ManCave?
A. The kitchen.

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The following conversation took place between a husband and wife.
Husband: Honey, can you smell that?
Wife: No.
Husband: Exactly I can’t either so get in the kitchen and start cooking.

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I love creature comfort. That's why when I'm coming off a relationship, I like to shave my left leg. That way when I roll over at night, it feels like there's a woman in bed with me.

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I lost my grandad last year. He’s not dead he’s just wondering round ikea.

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