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Relationship Jokes

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Did you hear about that new device that can make your car 95% quieter? It fits straight over your wife’s mouth.
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Three reasons why my wife is like a computer.
1. She’s good at remembering credit card details.
2. She knows everything about every subject.
3. She always complains about having a virus whenever you try and do anything dirтy with her.
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The following conversation took place at a flower shop.
Customer: Hi I’m looking for some flowers for my girlfriend.
Shop owner: What do you want?
Customer: Some sеx…
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Never, NEVER, NEVER make your girlfriend mad...
They can remember stuff that that hasn't even happened yet!
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I tried to drown my troubles the other night but the wife doesn’t like swimming.
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Sam and Abe, now in their late seventies, first met in the second grade in a school on the lower East Side of New York. Their relationship now is one of playing pinochle, playing jokes and making bets.
Sam calls Abe and says, “I got a bet for you: I bet you that mine is longer soft than yours is hard. A thousand dollars!” Abe says, “How can that be? If you knew anything about biology, you …”
Sam interrupts, “I called for a bet, not a lecture. Mine is longer soft than yours is hard, …one thousand dollars, …yes or no!!”
Abe says, “Okay, okay, I’ll take your bet! How long is yours soft?”
Sam says, “Eleven years!”
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Husband: Ваве, after work I had an accident. Sabrina took me to the hospital. After various tests, they said I was in a bad state with cervical dislocation, multiple fасiаl injuries. Also, they will have to amputate my right leg.
Wife: Who is Sabrina?
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The police came over to my house last night after me and my wife had an argument. I said “Officer there’s no reason for you to be here tonight, I’ve already tasered her.”
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When I said I like it rough I was talking about the sеx, not the whole entire relationship…
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The following conversation took place between a mother and daughter.
Daughter:
“Mum, am I ugly?”
Mum:
“I told you not to call me mum in public.”
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Wife comes downstairs and asks her husband, who is lying on a sofa, "What have you been doing?"
He replies,
"Killing Flies."
"How many you have killed so far?"
"Five, three males and two females."
"How did you figure that out?"
"Well, three were sitting on the remote and two were sitting on the phone."
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I told my wife I wished she’d come with directions. She said this is a first, as I’ve never heard you ask for directions before.
She also said not to worry that she "did" come with directions and has been giving them to me since the day we met.
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I’ve been happily married for 4 years - out of a total of 25
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The prospective son-in-law was asked by his girlfriend's father, "Son, can you support a family?"
"Well, no, sir," he replied, caught off-guard by the question. "Your daughter and I were thinking we'd just have to support ourselves, the rest of you will have to fend for yourselves."
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I have a love/hate relationship with my wife.
She’s bipolar.
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So I didn't appear to be a loser, I concocted a story to tell my friends, about my having a girlfriend who lets me put lipstick and rouge on her.
In other words, not only did I make her up, I MADE her up!
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My dad always used to say, ‘What doesn’t кill you, makes you stronger,’ - ’till he had the accident.
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The following conversation took place between a husband and wife whilst at a restaurant.
Husband: What do you want to drink?
Wife: I guess I’ll have champagne.
Husband: Guess again.. Maybe you should go for a diet coke?
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