Relationship Jokes

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When I was a kid my dad used to beat me with his camera, I still have flash-backs.

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Just told my wife I’ve been seeing a psychiatrist. She told me she’s been seeing a psychiatrist, a bartender and 2 plumbers.

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My wife used to be afraid of the dark until she saw me nayked, now she’s afraid of the light.

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I was sharing with a friend my opinion that women should come with instructions.
She replied, "Why? It's not like men read the instructions anyway."

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Found out recently that my wife had an affair with a мidgет.
I can’t believe she would stoop so low.

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When Mr. Ed retired from television, he got a job as a telephone psychic. Mary was having relationship problems, called in, and got advice from the old stallion.
Arriving home, she confronted her husband, accusing him of having an affair.
"Where in the world did you get that idea?" he asked.
"I got it from the horse's mouth!"

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“That’s a nice plant,” said a woman at the florist’s shop, pointing to the flower I was buying.
“Yeah, my wife and I had an argument,” I admitted. “I was going to buy her a dozen roses, but I don’t think she’s that mad at me.”

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Know a sure way to bug your wife or girlfriend?
When they ask you that loaded question, "How do I look?", just say, "With your eyes."

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Five signs that a women is angry with you.
1. She’s silent.
2. She’s yelling.
3. She acts the same.
4. She acts different.
5. She murdered you.

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The wife and I were sitting on the couch watching the TV and it was boring so I thought I’d start a conversation.
Me: How many men have you had in total?
Wife: Are sure you want to know?
Me: Yeh, go on.
Wife: 7.
Me (after a pause): so I was number 7.
Wife: no, you were number 2.

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Once my divorce was final, I went to the local Department of Motor Vehicles and asked to have my maiden name reinstated on my driver's license.
"Will there be any change of address?" the clerk inquired.
"No," I replied.
"Oh, good," she said, clearly delighted. "You got the house."

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My girlfriend and I ended up having the mother of all breakups last night, the underlying message being that my “sense of direction was causing huge problems in the relationship”.
Eventually, tired and frustrated, I stood up, packed my things and right.

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The end of a relationship isn't the worst thing. It's worse when it doesn't end after the end.

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I'm happy with my relationship status: I'm about to get married. I just don't know to who yet.

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The following conversation took place at a church wedding:
Priest: Repeat after me.
Groom: After me!!
Priest: Is this guy serious??
Bride: No his name is Bruce.

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Had a talk with my son earlier today about маsтеrватiоn and how it’s totally natural. I also told him to make sure that in future he knocks on my door before he goes into my room.

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Q. What do you do if your wife comes crawling back?
A. Drag her back into the garden and make sure you dig the hole deeper.

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If you're in a long term relationship, there's nothing better for you as a couple than to be out of shape because, eventually, you just get to the point where it's like, 'Well, honey, looks like we've eaten ourselves into a monogamous relationship.' Nothing says I love you like, 'Pass the gravy.'

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