Relationship Jokes

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Man comes home from work to find his boyfriend whacking off into a соndом.
Man says, "WТF?"
Boyfriend says, "I am making you a sack lunch!"

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A boyfriend asks his girlfriend:
"What gift would you like to receive during the St. Valentine's Day?"
"Well, I don't know" she answers shyly.
"OK, that I give you another year to think about it…"

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Me: "I'm so lonely."
Person: "Hey!"
Me: "Leave me alone."

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Signs Your Cop Partner Needs A Vacation:
9. Every Tuesday he insists it's his turn to be the siren.
8. He wants to transfer to a K-9 unit because he thinks he'd look good in a collar.
7. He wants you to call him "Judge Dredd", and he insists that all suspects should be executed right there on the spot.
6. He talks to himself. Half of him is the "good cop", and the other half is the "bad cop".
5. He keeps asking you if his bullet proof vest makes him look fат.
4. He is exchanging donut recipes with complete strangers.
3. The perpetrators beg him to stop talking about his relationship troubles.
2. He wants to hear less talk and more music on the police channel.
1. He keeps handcuffing himself by accident!!

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Roses are red,
violets are blue,
sugar is sweet,
but nothing compared to you.

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An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.
The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.
The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there.
The engineer said, "I like both."
"Both?"
Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the plant and get some work done."

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5 stages of being single: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, texting your ex something random then going like "sorry wrong message".

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Q: How can you tell if your girlfriend really likes you?
A: If you stick your hand in her pants and it feels like you're feeding a horse.

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My boyfriend and I broke up.
He wanted to get married... I didn't want him to.

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Friend: Dude, I can't stop dreaming about my crush.
Me: Well imagine this... You're home alone, and your crush comes over to visit.
Friend: Ok I can see it...
Me: She walks into your room and you're just sitting there.
Friend: Uh-huh.. I'm likin' this.
Me: Ok. So she walks in front of you, takes her pants off. She's not wearing any underwear.. And then she sits on you.
Friend: Oh-hо-hoo.. Whatta' naughty girl.
Me: Yeah, ok. Don't get dirтy on me. So she's sitting on you. And then... she starting shiттing in you. Right then and there, you find out you're a toilet.
Friend: I hate you...

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In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

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A young man decided after 4 years of working nonstop at a decent paying job and saving the bulk of his earnings that perhaps it was time to settle down.
He called up an old girlfriend from his high school days and she answered on the first ring.
As they spoke and reminisced about old times she said to him "Wow, this has been great, I've really enjoyed speaking with you, but I must ask, where on earth did you find my number?"
To which he replied "Honestly? I'm just as surprised as you are, I have been working as a jani tor in our old high school and just happened to see your number etched into the door of a boys bathroom stall! I'm amazed you still have the same number after all these years!"
And she responded "Well, how else was I supposed to keep in touch with all the boys I used to sleep with?"

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Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love, and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent!

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Josey wasn't the best pupil at Sunday school. She often fell asleep and one day while she was sleeping, the teacher asked her a question. "Who is the creator of the universe?" Joe was sitting next to Josey and decided to poke her with a pin to wake her up. Josey jumped and yelled, "God almighty!" The teacher congratulated her. A little later the teacher asked her another question, "Tell me who is our lord and savior?" Joe poked Josey again and she yelled out, "Jesus Сhrisт!" The teacher congratulated her again. Later on the teacher asked, "What did Eve say to Adam after their 26th child?" Joe poked Josey again and she shouted, "If you stick that thing in me again, I'll snap it in half and stick it up your аss!"

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What's a man's idea of honesty in a relationship?
Telling you his real name.

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A kid walks up to his teacher and says "When is lunch."
The teacher said "When its my break."
"Your break for what? the kid asks.
"My break up" the teacher said.

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My wife’s cooking is so bad we usually pray after our food.

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I hear Taylor Swift's ex boyfriends are collabing on a new single called "Maybe You're The Problem".

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