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Relationship Jokes

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Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you say.  
After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish.
Happy Valentine's Day.
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Q:Why did the computer lose its trust relationship with the domain?
A:Because it was corrupted in active directory and needed to be removed and re-added again!
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A husband and wife decide they need to spice up their sеx life.
The wife buys a pair of crotchless underwear, puts them on, and goes into the bedroom.
She seductively asks her husband,
"Hey Big Boy, do ya want some of this?"
The husband takes one look at her underwear and replies,
"Неll no! Look what that thing does to underwear!"
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A bus full of housewives going on a picnic crashed with no survivors. Each husband cried for a week, but one husband continued for more than two weeks. When asked he replied miserably, "My wife missed the bus."
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An old man and old woman got married and went on their honeymoon.
They were in bed getting ready to have sеx for the first time and the old woman said, "I should tell you I have acute angina."
The old man says, "I hope so. You sure don't have cute тiтs."
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Гости Mad Mother-of-Six El chiste de la madre de siete Μητέρα των Έξι There once was a man who was so proud of the fact that he had six kids that he insisted on calling his wife "mother of six." Ein Mann hat sechs Kinder und ist sehr stolz auf seine Leistung. Er ist so stolz Едно семейство имало шест деца. Башата бил толкова горд O maior orgulho de Evaldo era sua prole: seis filhos! Vivia tão cheio de si que passou a chamar a mulher de Mãe-de-Seis Un uomo Mor til seks En mand og hans kone havde fået fem børn og ventede et Sjette Een man heeft 6 kinderen en is trots op zijn prestatie. Hij is zo trots op zichzelf dat hij zijn vrouw 'moeder van 6' noemt En mann har seks barn og er veldig stolt over hva han har oppnådd. Han er så fornøyd at han begynner å kalle sin kone for "mor til seks"
A husband, who has six children, begins to call his wife “mother of six” rather than by her first name. The wife, amused at first, chuckles. A few years down the road, the wife has grown tired of this. "Mother of six," he would say, "what’s for dinner tonight? Get me a вееr!" She gets very frustrated. Finally, while attending a party with her husband, he jokingly yells out, "Mother of six, I think it's time to go!" The wife immediately shouts back, "I'll be right with you, father of four!"
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A husband exclaims to his wife one day, "Your вuтт is getting really big. It's вiggеr than the BBQ grill!" Later that night in bed, the husband makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off. "What's wrong?" he asks. She answers, "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-аss grill for one little wееniе?"
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Eliz Wright: After All That.
If I've invested precious time and energy in a relationship, and I've been honest and open, hanging and coping, true blue, a good sсrеw, to some fly guy who's out constantly getting high, then I'm dumped - suicide is not one of my thoughts. I'm thinking maybe homicide.
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Q. How do men define a long-term relationship?
A. A second date.
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Η Ψυχανάλυση Знаете ли защо психолозите предпочитат да работят с мъже Почему психологам проще работать с мужчинами ¿Por qué el psicoanálisis es más breve para el hombre que para la mujer?. Porque os psicanalistas são mais rápidos no tratamento dos homens do que nas mulheres? Porque enquanto as mulheres têm que regredir até a infância Weshalb geht eine Psychoanalyse bei Männern schneller als bei Frauen? - Wenn es darum geht Por que a psicanálise é mais rápida para os homens ? Porque quando dizem para ele voltar à infância Pourquoi une psychanalyse dure moins longtemps pour un homme ? Pas besoin de régresser en enfance Pourquoi est-ce que la psychanalyse des hommes est plus rapide que celle des femmes ? - Parce qu'il s'agit de remonter dans l'enfance Proč je rychlejší psychoanalýza u muže? Protože když se chce doktor dostat do jeho dětství Dlaczego psychoanaliza mężczyzn jest szybsza od psychoanalizy kobiet? - Dlatego Varför går en psykisk analys mycket snabbare för män än för kvinnor? - När det är dags att gå tillbaka till barndomen är männen redan där.
Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for men than for women?
When it's time to go back to his childhood, he's already there.
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A guy noticed that his buddy was troubled and asked what was wrong.
"Ohhh, it's my girlfriend."
"What's the problem?"
"When I asked her if she could learn to love me, she asked me how much I was willing to spend on her education."
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Man:
"How do you like your eggs in the morning?"
Woman:
"Unfertilized."
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An old man goes into the Social Security Office and fills out an application.
Too old to have a birth certificate, he is asked to prove he is old enough.
He opens his shirt and shows them the gray hair on his chest and they accept that as proof.
He goes home to his wife, shows her the check, and explains to her what has happened.
She replies, “Well get back down there, pull down your pants, and see if you can get disability!”
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A funeral service was being held for a you ng woman who had just passed away.
As the pallbearers carried the casket out, they accidentally bumped into a wall. They heard a faint moan come from inside the casket. They opened the casket and found that the woman was still alive! She went on to live 10 more years and then died, and they held another funeral for her. While the pallbearers were carrying her out, her husband yelled, "Watch out for that wall!"
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A fellow always wanted to own a pet skunk, so in the dead of winter, he took his girlfriend with him to go hunting for one.
After a bit of waiting, they bagged a skunk and brought him back to the truck. The skunk was very scared and very cold, so the guy asks his girlfriend if she can keep the skunk between her legs to keep him warm.
"But what about the smell?" asks his girlfriend.
"Oh, he'll get used to it, just like I did."
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Boy: Yes. At last. It was so hard to wait.
Girl: Do you want me to leave?
Boy: NO! Don’t even think about it.
Girl: Do you love me?
Boy: Of course! Over and over!
Girl: Have you ever cheated on me?
Boy: NO! Why are you even asking?
Girl: Will you kiss me?
Boy: Every chance I get!
Girl: Will you hit me?
Boy: Are you crazy! I’m not that kind of person!
Girl: Can I trust you?
Boy: Yes.
Girl: Darling!
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Warum ist es schwierig Miksi naisen on niin mahdottoman vaikea. Miksi naisen on niin mahdottoman vaikea löytää itselleen hellää Pourquoi est-ce si difficile pour les femmes de trouver des hommes sensibles Varför är det så svårt för kvinnorna att hitta män som är känsliga - Защо за жените е трудно да си намерят мъж Dlaczego tak trudno kobiecie znaleźć mężczyznę
Why is it so difficult to find men who are caring, sensitive, and good-looking?
They already have boyfriends.
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Not all men cheat. Some of you women just assume you’re in a relationship with the guy.
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