Wedding jokes

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I used to hate weddings, all the old ladies would рrоd me and say "you'll be next!"
They soon stopped that, when I started saying it to them at funerals !

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At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, “Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?”
The other replied, “Yes, I am, I married the wrong man.”

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A typical macho man married typical good-looking woman and, after the wedding, laid down the following rules:
''I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want - and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect dinner to be on the table unless I tell you otherwise. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?''
His new bride said, ''No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there'll be sеx here at 7 o'clock every night - whether you're here or not.''

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Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sеx drive by 95%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.

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A man was invited to a wedding. When he reached the hotel, he found two doors written on them…
1.Bride relatives
2.groom relatives
He entered the groom door and found two doors again.
1. Ladies
2. Men
He entered men door and found two doors again.
1.People with gifts
2.People without gifts
He entered the second door (people without gifts )… He found himself outside the hotel.

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Apparently this toilet is getting married today

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For a wedding, Its necessary to find the right bride. But the photographer is also Important!

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Nothing should stop you from being a forest fairy. Even if your name is Bob...

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Best wedding photo. Ever.

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When that friend who slept with everyone is getting married

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He said yes! Finally I can eat as much as I want!

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The perfect wedding doesn't exi.

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Little Johnny was doing his work in math class, when his teacher chose him to answer a question.
Teacher: Johnny if there were four birds on a fence and you shot one with your gun how many would be left?
Johnny: None because the rest would fly off.
Teacher: The answer was 3, but I like the way you're thinking!
Johnny: Well I have a question for you! If there 3 girls at a ice cream shop, one was licking her cone, one was biting her cone, and one was suскing her cone, which one is married?
"Well" said the teacher nervously " I guess the one suскing her cone...
Johnny: No the one with the wedding ring on her finger. But, I like the way you're thinking!

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A man is watching TV supping the fourth can from his six pack.
"Don't go", he suddenly yells at the screen.
"Do not enter that building. Turn around and walk away. Aargh, you sтuрid man."
His wife calls from the kitchen, "what on earth are you watching?"
"Our wedding video," he bravely answers.

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Three virgin sisters were all getting married within a short time period.
Mum was a bit worried about how their sеx life would get started and made them all promise to
send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on their first impressions of marital sеx.
The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding.
The card said nothing but: "Nescafe".
Puzzled at first Mum went to her kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar.
It said: "Great from beginning to end".
Mum blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.
The second girl sent the card from the Maldives a week after the wedding and the card read: "Rothmans".
Mum now knew to go straight to her husband's cigarettes to read from the pack: "Super strong King Size".
She was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter.. the third girl departed for her honeymoon in New Zealand.
Mum waited for a week,
Nothing.
Another week went by and still nothing.
A month passed; still nothing.
A card finally arrived from Auckland on which was written with shaky hand, "Air New Zealand ".
Mum took out her latest travel magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst and finally found the ad for Air NZ.
'Ten times a day, seven days a week, in all directions.'

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What’s the nicest thing about a nudist wedding?
You don’t have to ask… you can see who the best man is.

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At my granddaughter’s wedding, the DJ polled the guests to see who had been married longest.
It turned out to be my husband and I. The DJ asked us, “What advice would you give to the newly-married couple?”
I said, “The three most important words in a marriage are, ‘You’re probably right.'”
Everyone then looked at my husband.
He said, “Yeah, she’s probably right.”

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My wife wasn’t impressed with the restaurant I’d chosen for our anniversary meal.
“There was a cockroach in the toilet,” she said.
“Oh come on.. A cockroach doesn’t necessarily mean their food is bad.”
“Really?… Well this one was throwing up.”

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