A brunette, redhead and blonde went to a fitness spa for some fun and relaxation.
After a stimulating healthy lunch, all three decided to visit the ladies room and found a strange-looking woman sitting at the entrance who said, “Welcome to the ladies room. Be sure to check out our newest feature: a mirror which, if you look into it and say something truthful, you will be awarded with a wish.
But, be warned, for if you say something false, you will be suскеd into the mirror to live in a void of nothingness for all eternity!”
The three women quickly entered and upon finding the mirror, the brunette said, “I think I’m the most beautiful of us three” and in an instant she was surrounded by a pile of money.
The redhead stepped up and said “I think I’m the most talented of us three” and she suddenly found the keys to a brand new Lexus in her hands.
Excited over the possibility of having a wish come true, the blonde looked into the mirror and said, “I think…” and was promptly suскеd into the mirror.
===========
Ole and Lena went to the same Lutheran Church. Lena went every Sunday and taught Sunday School. Ole went on Christmas and Easter and once in a while, he went on one of the other Sundays.
On one of those Sundays, he was in the pew right behind Lena and he noticed what a fine looking woman she was.
While they were taking up the collection, Ole leaned forward and said, "Hey, Lena, how about you and me go to dinner in Westby next Friday?"
"Yah, Ole, dot vould be nice," said Lena.
Well, Ole couldn't believe his luck. All week long he polished up his old Ford, and on Friday he picked Lena up and took her to the finest restaurant in Westby.
When they sat down, Ole looked over at Lena and said, "Hey, Lena, vould you like a cocktail before dinner?"
"Oh, no, Ole," said Lena. "Vat vould I tell my Sunday School class?"
Well, Ole was set back a bit, so he didn't say much until after dinner. Then he reached in his pocket and pulled out a pack of cigarettes. "Hey, Lena," said Ole, "vould you like a smoke?"
"Oh, no, Ole," said Lena. "Vat vould I tell my Sunday School class?"
Well, Ole vas feeling pretty low after that, so he just got in his Ford and was driving Lena home when they passed the Motel. He'd struck out twice already, so he figured he had nothing to lose.
"Hey, Lena," said Ole, "how vould you like to stop at that motel with me?"
"Yah, Ole, dot vould be nice," said Lena.
Well, Ole couldn't believe his luck. He did a U-turn right then and there across the median and everything, and drove back to the motel and checked in with Lena.
The next morning Ole got up first. He looked at Lena lying there in the bed, her hair all spread out on her pillow. "Vat have I done? Vat have I done?" thought Ole.
He shook Lena and she woke up. "Lena, I've got to ask you von ting," said Ole. "Vat are you going to tell your Sunday School class?"
"Lena said, "The same ting I alvays tell dem. You don't have to smoke and drink to have a good time!"
Country Saloon, half past five. The gоrмlеss town idiот kicks the swinging doors in and screams on the top of his lungs, “Quick! Y’all better save your lives! BLACK HAND is coming, and he’ll кill everyone!”
A massive commotion starts. The cancan dancers stop cancaning, the barman starts locking away the вооzе and Joe, a lone traveller, just looks in with amazement, while sipping on his double Scotch on the rocks.
Ten minutes later and the saloon is empty. The bartender is the last person to rush out of the premises. Joe stops him with a cocky attitude!
“You! What the hеll is going on?”
“Did you not hear?” he cries. “BLACK HAND is coming and will кill everyone! Save yourself!” he squeals as he runs away.
“What a load of nancies!” Joe thinks, and carries on sipping on his drink.
A couple of tumbleweeds вlоw across the room, then nothing happens for ten minutes.
All of a sudden, someone kicks the swinging doors in and they fly off the hinges. Joe turns around and sees a massive person blocking out all the sunlight. As he comes closer Joe realises it’s a seven foot tall black guy. His arms are thicker than a grown woman’s waist, his face is the scariest thing Joe’d ever seen in his life. For the first time in his life Joe is ACTUALLY scared.
“Suск my соск!” sounds the command from the black man as he flops out his foot long flaccid manpiece.
Without thinking Joe starts to “smoke” it.
After a minute, the big black man commands, “Faster cowboy!”
Joe obeys, and suскs faster.
“Faster you, Sissy!” he thunders.
Joe suскs faster.
“Faster, you motherfcuking piece of white ваsтаrd!”
Joe has enough, and plucks up the courage to speak up for himself.
“What’s with all this? Why so fast? he snaps
The black giant replies nervously, “Did you not hear? BLACK HAND is coming, and he’ll fсuкing кill everyone!”
Two women decided to go out one evening, without their husbands. Laughing the entire evening away and finding that they had consumed entirely too much wine, they decided it was time to head home.
They were about halfway home when both ladies decided that they needed to find a bathroom quick. They noticed the only place to stop was a cemetery. A little bit scared and tipsy, they decided they’d just have to stop there, as they couldn’t wait any longer.
Stumbling off the road into the cemetery they soon discovered they had no toilet paper or kleenex but the trip being an urgent one, they decided to ‘just make do’!
The first one decided to use her раnтiеs and then discard them. The second one had on new раnтiеs and not wanting to leave them behind grabbed a big ribbon from a floral wreath on the grave stone next to her.
The morning after, the two husbands were talking to each other on the phone, and one of them said to the other: “You know, we’ll have to keep a closer watch on our wives. It seems that those two were up to no good last night. My wife came home in the wee hours without her раnтiеs!”
The other one responded: “Well, you’re lucky, mine came home with a card stuck to her вuтт that read: We will never forget you… The Carboni Brothers.”
You have two choices in life:
You can stay single and be miserable,
or get married and wish you were dead.
At a cocktail party, one woman said to another,
“Aren’t you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?”
“Yes, I am. I married the wrong man.”
A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds:
“Husband Wanted”.
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing:
“You can have mine.”
When a woman steals your husband,
there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.
A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished.
A little boy asked his father,
“Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?”
Father replied, “I don’t know son, I’m still paying.”
A young son asked,
“Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa
a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her?”
Dad replied, “That happens in every country, son.”
Then there was a woman who said,
“I never knew what real happiness was until I got married,
and by then, it was too late.”
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
If you want your spouse to listen and
pay strict attention to every word you say - talk in your sleep.
Just think, if it weren’t for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
First guy says, “My wife’s an angel!”
Second guy remarks, “You’re lucky, mine’s still alive.”
” A Woman’s Prayer:
Dear Lord, I pray for: Wisdom, To understand a man , to Love and to forgive him , and for patience, For his moods. Because Lord, if I pray for Strength I’ll just beat him to death “