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Did you here about the man who ran in front of the bus? He got tired.

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I ain’t shaking any ones hand, not because of the Coronavirus… I ain’t shaking any ones hand because y’all out of toilet paper!

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How does a fish always know how much they weigh? – Because they have their own scales.

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Jared from Subway-Remember kids tuna sub backwards is what I’m going to do on your face

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I nailed my Jewish girlfriend so hard she turned Christian.

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I tried to commit suicide today; never doing that again I almost killed myself

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If stephen hawking has a heart attack do u take him to halfords or a&e

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So a rетаrdеd kids mom drops her kid off at school and says “you better stop the bus today because I’m not picking you up” and so he agrees and he arrives at the bus stop and says “stop” (in a rетаrdеd voice) and the bus goes straight past him the next day the mom says the same thing and the kid goes to the bus stop and says “stop” (in a rетаrdеd voice) and the bus goes straight past him the third day his mom says “I don’t care if have to jump out in the middle of the road you better stop that bus” so the kid goes to bus stop and jumps out in the middle of the road and says “Stop!” The bus driver runs over him a nearby lady stops the bus and says “why’d you run that poor kid over” and he responds “‘cause he was making fun of me” (in a rетаrdеd voice)

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What is long and not hairy??
The congo line in the cancer department

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Yes I’m CUTE
C-ringe
U-gly
T-errible
E-mpty

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Billie: hi
Me: you wanna hear a story?
Billie: yes sure
Me: once upon a time, i ran over your dog last night.

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I was talking to my welsh friend the other day and he suddenly started talking welsh to me then collapsed after the first few sentences.
Turns out he had a stroke

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What’s the most expensive haircut in the world ?
Chemotherapy

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You’re mamma’s so ugly, even the toaster wouldn’t get in the bathtub with her.

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Why did sally fall of the swing-someone chucked a brick at her.
Why did sally through a clock out the window-she had brain damage from the brick.

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Whats the difference between the twin towers and an ugly girl.
The twin towers at least got fuскеd.

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Bad cows, bad cows, whatcha gonna moo?!

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Caesar salad

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