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My teacher gave us an assignment and one of the questions was "What do you want to be when you grow up?"
I answered “Happy”. The teacher said I didn’t understand the test, I said to her that she didn’t understand life

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What’s the difference between Steven Hawking and the Statue of Liberty, the statue stands for something

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What’s the difference between humans and bullets?
Humans miss John Lennon

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Today my mom gave me a lecture on how to stay safe during school shootings and when my brother walked past my mom asked me a question "what do you think of going through kids heads during a school shooting " That’s when my brother came back downstairs and said to me and my mom “bullets” we don’t talk about this anymore

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Man: whats up?
Me: im annoyed
Man: Why?
Me: I stole my gf’s heart
Man: So why are you annoyed?
Me: Everyone else in the surgery room gave me weird looks

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What is Stephen Hawking’ favourite song
Head shoulders screws and bolts

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My boyfriend came over today and stole my milk. How dairy.

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Why did my boyfriend leaves me ?
Because he’s gаy.
But why did he come back to me ?
Because im actually a guy :
- )

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When meeting her parents don’t require you to leave the house

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If I was a party, then anxiety must be the cousin depression felt obligated to bring to the party and insomnia the little annoying sibling.

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Sans: why didn’t the skeleton not go to the party?
Papyrus: because they looked like me?
Sans:… Sure

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Three kids one day found a magical slide. There was a sign next to it saying, “what ever you wish for comes true once you slide down”. One kid stepped up and slid down, he wished for a river of chocolate, thus he swam in a chocolate river. The second kid slid down and wished for a mountain of money, he then landed in a pile of money. The third kid went down and said, “Weeeeeeee”!

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Why did Helen Keller burn her hands?
Because she was trying to read the waffle iron.

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I was with my blind friend, and he’s telling me “Yeah I can read braille”. So I hand him a Lego brick and ask him to read it. Apparently, Lego has been hiding a dark secret from us for years; as all their bricks read “Sсrеw you, аsshоlе”

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A man goes to the library to find the best book about committing suicide. So when he asks the librarian, “What’s the best book on committing suicide?” The librarian said, “Oh fuск off…you won’t bring it back anyway.”

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How many dead kittens does it take to clog a pool filter? 7 when i tried

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Why did the legless kid think he won a race?
Because everybody already left.

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What did the salad say to pineapple
Lettuce be friends

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