Two airplane mechanics named Bob and Tim work at Atlanta airport.
Atlanta gets fogged in one night and nothing can take off or land so Bob and Tim have nothing to do. After work Bob and Tim usally have a drink on their way home, so Bob says to Tim, I heard that you can get a buzz off drinking jet fuel. Since they have nothing better to do, they try it. Finally, their shift is over and they get to go home. Next morning Bob calls Tim and says, How are you feeling? Tim says he's fine, never felt better. Bob asks, Do you have a hangover? Tim says no. Then Tim says, Wow this is great! We can drink all we want and not get a hangover. Then Bob says, Well, there is one side effect, Tim. Have you farted yet? Tim says, No, why?
Bob says, I'm calling you from Detroit!
A Polish man was taking a flight on acommercial airliner.
The airliner had 4 engines, which is quite normal. About an hour intothe flight, a loud BOOM occurred. The flight attendant came over the intercom and said,"Ladies and gentlemen, we have blown an engine, but there is no need to worry. Westill have three engines, I repeat, we still have three engines." Everyone stayed calm. Aboutanother hour later, another boom. The flight attendant comes over the intercom."Ladies and gentlemen, we have blown another engine, but there is no need to worry!We still have two more engines to go!" The people stayed calm. An hour later, thesame situation. Now only one engine remained. Then, the Polish man stood up and saidoutloud, "Man! If this keeps up, we could be up here all day!"
As usual, things were not going well at the United Nations.
Thus, many visiting ambassadors had to room together. It just so happend that Vladimir, the Russian Ambassador, and Umballa, the Zambian Ambassador, were sharing a suite. To pass the time, Vladimir introduced his fellow dignitary to the Russian game of roulette. He produced an antique Soviet revolver, and a single bullet. It took a while, but he was finally able to explain the gist of the game to Umballa. Intrigued and excited, Umballa loved the game. By the time the U.N. meeting was over, the two had become fast friends. As they parted company at the airport, Umballa told Vladimir, ''One day, you must visit my country, and try our version of your roulette.'' A year later, Vladimir was in Zambia, and looked up his old friend. Umballa remembered him, and welcomed him with open arms. ''I have come, my comrade, to try your game.'' ''Very well. Come with me.'' Umballa took his friend before six, buck-nакеd bush women. ''Pick one. Any one. And she will give you a вlоwjов.'' ''But my friend, where is the danger in this?'' Umballa replied with a toothy smile, ''One of them is a cannibal.''
A pilot was forced to make a crash landing in a farmer's field.
The farmer took the pilot back to the farmhouse, where the pilot noticed the farmer had a golden fiddle hanging above the fireplace. The two men were standing there talking when the farmer's wife came down the steps. The pilot couldn't believe how beautiful she was.
"How can you trust her to be here by herself all day, while you go out and work the fields?"
"I trust my wife," the farmer said. "She's never been unfaithful."
"I'll make you a little bet. If I take your wife upstairs, she'll be unfaithful. If not, you can have my plane. But, if she is, I get your fiddle."
"It's a deal." So, the pilot and the farmer's wife go upstairs. About a half hour passes, and the farmer picks up the fiddle and starts playing it.
"Be true to me, Be true to me, Be true for just one hour. Be true to me, Be true to me, And his airplane will be ours." Another fifteen minutes pass, and suddenly he sees his wife coming down the stairs. He asks her if she stayed true to him. She walked over, picked up the fiddle, started playing it.
"He kissed me on the lips, He kissed me on the тiтs, He kissed me in the middle. He kissed a spot that you forgot, and you lost your fuскing fiddle."
A man is sitting next to a woman on an airplane. Suddenly, the man sneezes. He unzips his pants and wipes himself off with his handkerchief. He zips up and continues reading his magazine.
The woman cannot believe what she has just seen. He sneezes again, unzips and wipes himself off with the handkerchief.
The woman says, "Sir, that's disgusting and rude! If you do it again, I'm going to call the flight attendant and have you removed from this plane."
He says, "I'm so sorry that I've offended you. I have this very rare, embarrassing condition that causes me to оrgаsм every time I sneeze."
The woman, disarmed by the man's honesty, says with sympathy, "Oh, you poor man. What do you take for it?"
"Pepper," he answers.
Questions and answers selected from tests in Springdale, Arkansas in2000 to 16 year old students! (Don't laugh too hard - one of these may be thepresident someday.) Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar. Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists. Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire. Q: What is a planet?
A: A body of earth surrounded by sky. Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight. Q: In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A: Very important. Sеx can only happen when a male gets a election. Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs. Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your воwеls and you get intercontinental. Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery. Q; Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death. Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the соw. Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (E.g., abdomen.)
A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The branium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five воwеls, A,E,I,O and U. Q: What is the Fibula?
A: A small lie Q: What does "varicose" mean?
A: Nearby. Q: What is the most common form of birth control?
A: Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium. Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section."
A: The caesarean section is a district in Rome. Q: What is a seizure?
A: A Roman emperor. Q: What is a terminal illness?
A: When you are sick at the airport Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas. Q: What does the word "benign" mean?
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight. Q: What is a turbine?
A: Something an Arab wears on his head. Q: What is a Hindu?
A: It lays eggs. Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar. Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists. Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire. Q: What is a planet?
A: A body of earth surrounded by sky. Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight. Q: In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A: Very important. Sеx can only happen when a male gets a election. Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs. Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your воwеls and you get intercontinental. Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery. Q; Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death. Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the соw. Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (E.g., abdomen.)
A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The branium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five воwеls, A,E,I,O and U. Q: What is the Fibula?
A: A small lie Q: What does "varicose" mean?
A: Nearby. Q: What is the most common form of birth control?
A: Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium. Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section."
A: The caesarean section is a district in Rome. Q: What is a seizure?
A: A Roman emperor. Q: What is a terminal illness?
A: When you are sick at the airport Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas. Q: What does the word "benign" mean?
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight. Q: What is a turbine?
A: Something an Arab wears on his head. Q: What is a Hindu?
A: It lays eggs. Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar. Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists. Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire. Q: What is a planet?
A: A body of earth surrounded by sky. Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight. Q: In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A: Very important. Sеx can only happen when a male gets a election. Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs. Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your воwеls and you get intercontinental. Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery. Q; Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death. Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the соw. Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (E.g., abdomen.)
A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The branium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five воwеls, A,E,I,O and U. Q: What is the Fibula?
A: A small lie Q: What does "varicose" mean?
A: Nearby. Q: What is the most common form of birth control?
A: Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium. Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section."
A: The caesarean section is a district in Rome. Q: What is a seizure?
A: A Roman emperor. Q: What is a terminal illness?
A: When you are sick at the airport Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas. Q: What does the word "benign" mean?
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight. Q: What is a turbine?
A: Something an Arab wears on his head. Q: What is a Hindu?
A: It lays eggs.
The Pope goes to New York.
He is picked up at the airport by a limousine. He looks at the beautiful car and says to the driver, ''You know, I hardly ever get to drive. Would you please let me?'' The driver is understandably hesistant and says, ''I'm sorry, but I don't think I'm supposed to do that.'' But the pope persists, ''Please?'' The driver finally lets up. ''Oh, all right, I can't really say no to the pope.'' So the pope takes the wheel, and boy, is he a speed demon! He hits the gas and goes around 100 mph in a 45 zone. A policeman notices and pulls him over. The cop walks up and asks the pope to roll down the window. Startled and surprised, the young officer asks the pope to wait a minute. He goes back to his patrol car and radios the chief. Cop: ''Chief, I have a problem.'' Chief: ''What sort of problem?'' Cop: ''Well, you see, I pulled over this guy for driving way over the speed limit but it's someone really important.'' Chief: ''Important like the mayor?'' Cop: ''No, no, much more important than that.'' Chief: ''Important like the governor?'' Cop: ''Wayyyyyy more important than that.'' Chief: ''Like the president?'' Cop: ''More.'' Chief: ''Who's more important than the president?'' Cop: ''I don't know, but he's got the pope DRIVING for him!''
A guy who was in the Air Force had just spent a year unaccompanied in Shemya, Alaska. The first night home, he told his wife he had something to show her.
"I've mastered the art of mind over matter. Just watch this!" And with that he dropped his trousers and shorts and stood before her in his altogether. "Diск, ten-HUT!" And with that, his diск sprang to full еrестiоn. "Diск, at EASE!" And his diск deflated again.
"That was amazing," said his wife. "Can I bring over our neighbor to show her?"
The guy responded that he didn't mind at all, since he was proud of his accomplishment. So his wife brought back a delicious looking woman.
"Diск, ten-HUT!" And his реnis sprang up. "Diск, at EASE!" Nothing. "Diск, at EASE!" Still nothing. "For the last time, Diск -- at EASE!"
Frustratingly enough, nothing happened. Embarrassed, he ran off to the bathroom. Worried, his wife ran after and found that he was vigorously маsтurватing.
"What are you doing?"
"I'm giving this guy a dishonorable discharge!"