Walks into a Bar, Bar jokes, Bartender jokes

So a man walks into a bar with a large box, the bar tender goes up to him and asks “whats in the box”.
The man says “I’ll show ya’ if you get me a вееr.”
So of course the bar tender gets the man a вееr, the man drinks it, and he pulls out a little foot tall man and he pulls out a little piano.
The little man starts playing the piano!
Next the bar tender asks “hey! thats prety cool, where did ya’ get that?”
The man says” I’ll tell ya’ if you get me another вееr.”
So the bar tender gets the man another вееr, the man drinks it, and he says “I got it from a geenie and a lamp”
The bar tender says “If ya’ let me barrow that geenie and that lamp I’ll give ya’ another вееr.”
The man says “Oh, Okay!”
The bar tender gets the man another вееr, the man drinks it, and the man gives the bar tender the lamp.
The bar tender rubs the lamp and the geenie pops out!
The geenie says “Master, I grant you one wish, what is it?”
The bar tender says “I wish for a million bucks!” And all of a sudden a million ducks start flying into the room.
“What the heck is this! I wished for a million bucks not a million ducks!”
And the man says “Well did you think I wished for a 12 inched pianist!”
An octopus walks into a bar and sees a band playing in the corner, composed of those bar-room heroes, the Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman.
He walks up and says “I’m the best musician in the world. I can play any instrument you like”.
So the English guy goes “Alright then. Play this” and hands him a guitar.
The octopus plays it better than Jimi Hendrix, better than Chuck Berry, better than anyone and hands him back the guitar.
The Irishman says “Okay, how about this?” and shows him to the piano.
The octopus sits down and plays it like never before – Better than Jerry Lee Lewis and Elton John.
The best pianist ever.
Finally, a Scotsman says “Alright, let’s see ya play this then” and hands him a set of bagpipes.
The octopus looks at them and fumbles with them.
Couple more minutes and he’s still struggling and there’s no sound coming out.
Couple more minutes and still nothing so the Scotsman says “Oh, so can you not play it then?”
And the octopus says “Play it? I’m gonna fuск her when I get her pyjamas off”

Two men walk into a bar, one wearing a cowboy hat and the other wearing a Yankees cap. The guy in the Yankees cap approaches the bartender and make a bet:
"I'll bet you $1,000 that I can put a shot glass at one end of your bar and рiss into it from the other end of the bar without spilling a drop."
The bartender laughs and says, "You're crazy, but you're on."
The man positions a shot glass on one end, walks to the other end and unzips his fly. He then рissеs everywhere - all over the walls, over the bar top, all over the bottles of вооzе, and all over the bartender. The bartender roars with laughter and tells the man to pay up.
The guy in the Yankees cap pays up, laughing and smiling, too.
"What are you smiling at?" asks the bartender. "You just lost $1,000!"
"Well, you see that guy in the cowboy hat over there crying? Before we came in, I bet him $10,000 that I could рiss all over your bar, your walls, your liquor AND you, and not only would you not be mad - you would laugh hysterically about it!"