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Q. When does a job get complete in Government?
A. When it can no longer be postponed.

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A customer at the counter of a garden ornament shop said to the cashier, “Give me four of those pinwheels, two of those pink flamingos, two of those sunflowers, and one of those веnт-over grandmas in bloomers.”
The cashier replied, “That’ll be eight dollars for the pinwheels, ten for the flamingos, six for the sunflowers, and an apology for my wife!”

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Bill attended a party where he met an old acquaintance, “Hello, Sam,” he said. “How’s your clothing business? I heard you lost a lot on that fall shipment of dresses.”
“That’s right,” Sam responded.
“And you almost went bankrupt.”
“That’s true too.”
“But I understand you made a big profit on another shipment and wound up having a pretty good season after all.”
“That’s correct. Then I guess you heard all about it, Bill.”
“Yeah,” Bill answered, “but this is the first time I’m hearing all the details.”

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Question: What’s the best way to make a small fortune in the stock market?
Answer: Start off with a big one.

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We are interrupting our regularly scheduled jokes for today's Stock Market Report:
Helium was up, feathers were down. Paper was stationary.
Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading. Knives were up sharply. Pencils lost a few points.
Hiking equipment was trailing. Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline. Weights were up in heavy trading.
Mining equipment hit rock bottom. Diapers remained unchanged.
The market for raisins dried up. Balloon prices were inflated. And toilet paper touched a new bottom.

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So Bill Gates and the chairman of GM are arguing over which company is better. Bill Gates boast, " If cars grew in technology as fast as computers did, we would be driving v-32 instead of v-8, our cars would get 5000 miles to the gallon, the top speed would be mach seven. Anyway the sticker price for a car would be 50 dollars."
And which the GM replies,
" Sure, but would you really want a car that crashes 4 times a day!"

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A manager was soliciting resumes through a recruitment agency to fill in a senior staff member who had just resigned. The next day the recruitment agent came in to meet the manager and beaming he handed over a resume and said,
"M'am, we have got just the right person you are looking for. The manager after skimming through the resume was visibly upset. Puzzled, the recruitment agent enquired what the matter was. The manager replied, "This candidate on the resume is the best we've got in our department".

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An Investment Broker asked his client if he wanted to get a hot tip and the client naturally said,
"Yes."
"Well, we heard that Colonel Sanders is buying out Schick razor company," said the broker.
Client:
"Are they going to change their name?"
Broker:
"I heard that they were going to call it Chicken-Schick"

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We had built our dream house some years ago, and furnished it with quality pieces as we could afford them. Now the delivery truck carrying the last purchase, a new bedroom suite, was pulling into the driveway.
"Finally!" I exclaimed, flinging open the front door as the driver walked up to the house. "I've been waiting twelve years for this!"
"Don't blame me, lady," he said. "I just got the order this morning."

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And how is your customer service”? Asked a skeptical customer to the used car dealer.
“Oh, that’s first class. Anybody who buys a car from us gets a free copy of the latest railroad train schedules!”

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There was this limo driver who was in business for 25 years without a single customer...
All that time and nothing to chauffeur it.

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A new hair salon opened up for business right across the street from the old established hair cutters' place.
They put up a big bold sign which read:
"We give seven dollar hair cuts!"
Not to be outdone, the old Master Barber put up his own sign:
"We fix seven dollar hair cuts!"

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“This little computer,” said the a sales clerk, “will do half your job for you.”
The senior manager studying the machine made his decision; “Fine, I’ take two.”

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A store manager overheard one of his salesmen talking to a customer.
"No sir,"said the salesman.” We haven't had any for awhile and it doesn't look like we'll be getting any soon."
The manager was horrified and yelled after the departing customer,” Come back next week. We’re sure to have whatever it is you need."
Irate, he turned to his salesman,” Never tell a customer we're out of anything! NOW, WHAT DID HE WANT?"
"Rain,” answered the salesman.

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As a member of an Internet awareness survey team, we had visited a home. The unruly owner asked,
"Tell me the difference between washing machine & Internet?” When I was cursing my luck, my colleague answered, "The former washes your cloth and the later washes your brain."

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Selling at an auction was halted when the auctioneer announced, “Someone in the room has lost his wallet containing $2,000. He is offering a reward of $500.00 for its immediate return.” After a moment of silence, there was a call from the back of the room, “$550.00”

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What did the two businessmen say to each other as they closed a deal during an earthquake?
"Let's shake on it!"

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Hey did you hear?
U. P. S and Fed-EX are merging. There going to call it Fed-Up

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