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Whenever I create a job advert I always instantly throw away half of the resumes I receive.
I don’t want unlucky people on my team.
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What flavour ice-cream do electricians like to eat?
Shock-a-lot!
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What did 2 say to 3 about the unruly 6?
Don't worry about him; he is just a product of our times.
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A chemistry teacher set a question which was, mention three gases u know.
Answer: tier gas, fabregas, Bogas
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Last night, I spent 5,000 bucks on a reincarnation seminar...
I figured, "What the heck, you only live once!"
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Q. What’s worse than seeing a baby in a dustbin?
A. Finding a baby in 2 dustbins.
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Wise people think all they say, fools say all they think.
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Boss:Where were you born? Sardar:India... Boss:Which part? Sardar:What'which part'?Whole body was born in India.
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Old Josh was sat in his garden, sunbathing in the deck chair when he noticed his grand-son kneeling on the lawn with a worm.
When he asked his grandson what he was doing, he found that he was trying to push the worm down the hole from which it came.
“If you can get that worm back in that hole I’ll give you ten dollars,” said Josh.
His grandson sat and thought for a moment, then rushed into the house. A few minutes later he returned with his mother’s hair spray.
He picked up the worm by one end and, as he let it hang down, he sprayed it all over with the hair spray. The spray set and the worm became stiff and hard. It was now easy to push the worm back in the hole. Josh was amazed.
He gave the boy ten dollars, picked up the hair spray and went indoors.
About an hour later Josh came back into the garden and gave his grand-son another ten dollars.
“But grandpa,” said the boy, “you’ve already given me the ten dollars you promised.”
“That’s from your grandma,” said Josh.
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Can’t believe what fascists estate agents are. I put my house up for rent the other day and they said it only had 2 bedrooms when it actually has 5 bedrooms. If I want to put a bed in my kitchen, living room and hallway it’s none of their business.
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I recent scientific study has found that a newborn baby can hear and see everything around it for about 10 seconds after being decapitated.
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A garage mechanic comes out to rescue a broken down car. Out of respect for other drivers the mechanic leaves his hazards on while parked on the side of the road. The exhaust from the broken down car has fallen off and needs tying up before the car can be driven onto the mechanic's trailer. The mechanic tells the car owner "As it is only 3:00pm I should be able to have the car ready for you by 5pm". At 5:10pm the mechanic rings the car owner. "Sorry I didn't ring you by 5:00pm, but I only got back to the garage 5 minutes ago. "Why, what happened?" asked the car owner. "My vehicle battery went flat, and I had to ring the garage to ask for another mechanic to come out and rescue me," replied the mechanic.
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There I was totally nакеd.
Two hands running freely all over my body.
No area seemed OFF LIMITS but I wasn’t shy or embarrassed.
Yet I did not experience the euphoria one could imagine.
This was not the first time nor I expect will it be the last.
I waited patiently for any further sensations as these hands wandered seemingly with purpose yet resulting in no response from me.
So these so called hot sтеамy sessions are always flat.
Oh well! - I guess showering is like that! We'll see what happens tomorrow.
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What do a bowling ball and an Antartian have in common?
Chances are they'll both end up in the gutter.
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Today my boss told me to “Have a good day” so I’ve decided to spend the rest of the day drinking вееr.
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I bought a bag of vegetarian sausages.
When I opened it, it turned out that they were just carrots.
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I saw this funny sign on the bathroom door that said, 'Bathroom out of order due to renovations. Please use floor below.' They didn't even put down paper or anything.
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I read my morning papers on the computer. It's just hard to hold the computer on the toilet 'cause I don't have a laptop.
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