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Carl used to practice meditation on an old mat. His wife was not happy about the worn-out mat. One day Carl found the rug missing from its usual place. “Where is it?” he asked her sternly. “It has achieved nirvana,” she retorted.

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Now that I'm getting older I seem to be gaining a different perspective on life.
When people say "have a good one", I reply, "At my age, I just want to have one!"

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When I said b*tch in class my teacher suspended me, i don't know what they have against dogs........

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My girlfriend keeps going on bout the time i jokingly put superglue on her mobile phone, honestly , she just can't let it go.

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When the person you hate the most falls down, you ask the ground if its okay.

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In Britain we used to drive on the left of the road.
Now we drive on what’s left of the road.

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Two vacuum cleaners are arguing...
"You suск!"
"No, you suск!"
"You suск worse!"
"I don't suск!"
"Why not?"
"I'm not plugged in!"

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Two passengers on a ship are talking. “Can you swim?” Asks one.
“No,” says the other, “but I can shout for help in nine languages.”

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Mexican word of the day: Chicken Finger
I caught my wife cheating on me, I don't need her, Chicken Finger herself

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Q:Why was the fish lonley?
A:Because it was selfish.°

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I thought the dryer shrank my clothes...
Turns out it was the refrigerator.

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I don't know why that's so hard to do. I think I would go through a less thorough background check if I was adopting a baby. How much information do they need to hand over the keys to a 10-year-old Geo Metro with 900,000 miles on it? I have a bicycle at home with a higher blue book value.

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"And if you look out to the left, you'll miss everything to the right. Remember, every choice is also a loss." - Me as a tour guide

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Kickass if you think that when a new joke comes onto the website that the creators press kickass to make people like it.

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“I hear your husband is a linguist.”
“Yes, he speaks three languages … golf, football, and baseball.

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Answering the phone, the priest was surprised to hear the caller introduce herself as an IRS auditor.
“But we do not pay taxes,” the priest said. “It isn’t you, Father, it’s one of your parishioner, Sean McCullough. He indicates on his tax return that he gave a donation of
$15,000 to the church last year. Is this, in fact, the truth?”
The priest smiled broadly. “The check hasn’t arrived yet, but I’m sure I’ll have it when I remind dear Sean.”

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I gave my number to a really hot girl at the bar and told her to text me when she got home. She must be homeless

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What did King Тuт say when he was scared?
I want my mummy!!!

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