Jokes

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My current clothing style is a combination of “shiт I’m late”, “shiт it’s cold”, with just a hint of “I’m too lazy to look socially acceptable for you losers”.

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"I have traveled just about all over the world."
"Wow, you must know geography well?"
"Oh yes, I spent 2 months there!"

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Your cell phone number [should] be the same as your license plate number, so if you drive like a jаскаss, we can call you up.

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Why is it that good people are always the ones who get sсrеwеd over? The other day I gave my seat to an old lady on the bus and then I got fired from my job as a bus driver.

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Apparently it’s impossible to eat 4 dry crackers in one minute.
Always up for the challenge I gave it a go.
I managed three and then choked on a plastic moustache.
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Press kickass if you want to live. Press lame if you want to die.

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Did you hear about the guy who froze to death at the drive- in?
He went and saw closed for the winter!

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Son: Father, do you know that I can name the capital of all 50 states?
Father: Son, I'm so proud of you. What's the capital of texas?
Son: PASS!!

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His antenna doesn’t pick up all the channels.

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If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why couldn't he fix a hole in a boat?
And...
Why did Gingеr and Mary Ann have tons of clothes with them when they were supposed to be on a "three hour tour?"

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I just bought 500 sadam t-shirts, they're a bit tight around the neck nut, but they hang well!

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I won the lottery last week so decided to get a new home for the homeless guy who lives near my street. It was the box from my new 70″ Plasma TV.

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Opinions are like аsshоlеs. Everyone has one, and everyone elses' stinks.

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There was this Eskimo girl who spent the night with her boyfriend and next morning found out that she was six months pregnant.

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I hate people who use big words just to make themselves look perspicacious.

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If you could only bring one item with you during the apocolypse, what would it be?
Dora's backpack, you can pull out a helicopter out of that thing!

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I met a Black Jack dealer and asked if she had any advice...
She said,
"Yeah, don’t play!"

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If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.

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