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My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.

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A guy gets into a taxi after a вооzy night out and halfway through the journey wants to stop and buy cigarettes. He taps the driver on the shoulder and suddenly the driver screams, swerves across the road and mounts the sidewalk stopping just short of a brick wall.
All was quiet for a few moments and then the driver turns around and says "Don't EVER tap me on the shoulder whilst I'm driving EVER again". The guy says,
"I'm sorry, I didn't know it would scare you so much"
The driver replies,
"It wouldn't normally but this is my first night as a taxi driver and up until yesterday, for twenty five years, I was driving a Hearse.

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Idiот: *says sтuрid comebacks*
Me: Bruh I bet Einstein wouldnt know what the hеll you just said

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"How did your grammar competition go?"
I losed.

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Q. What do Fred Flintstone and Osama Bin Laden have in common?
A. They both look out their caves and see rubble.

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The following conversation took place in a job interview.
Interviewer: We’re looking for someone who is responsible, do you fit that criteria?
Me: Well in my last job when the store caught fire my boss said that I was responsible.

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Bad things to write in a birthday card.
“Life is pain, misery, suffering and a slow march to death. Happy 5th birthday Katie.”

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What happened when the toilet paper crossed the road?
He got stuck in a сrаск!!!
What did he say when he got stuck in a сrаск?
"Im sick of your shiт!!!!"

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I patiently waiting at the customer service desk for my turn. I had come back to return a pair of jeans that were too tight.
"Is something wrong with them?" the teenage clerk asked me.
"Yes," I replied. "They hurt my feelings."
The clerk had no response for me.

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I used to have a job repairing lifts. It had its ups and downs.

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You think it's possible for them to design an electric car that doesn't look like a gаy spaceship?

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Haikus are easy. But sometimes they don't make sense. Refrigerator.

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I haven't slept for three days, because that would be too long.

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The truck driver looked suspiciously at the soup he had just been served in a backwoods eatery. It contained dark flecks of seasoning, but two of the spots were suspicious.
“Hey,” he called out to the waitress, “these particles in my soup - aren’t they foreign objects?”
She is scrutinizing his bowl. “No, sir!” she reassured him. “Those things live around here.”

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“Tell me,” the teacher asked her students, “do you know what the word ‘can’t’ is short for?” “Yes,” said little Lucy. “It’s short for ‘cannot.’”
“Very good. And what about ‘don’t’?”
Little Matt’s hand shot up. “That,” he said with authority, “is short for ‘doughnut.’”

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Boy: You like bad boys, right?
Girl: Yeah.
Boy: Well, I don't mean to brag or anything, but I went on DisneyChannel. Com without my parents permission!
Girl: *Sarcastic* Wow, whatta bad boy, what's next, not doing your homework on purpose?
Boy: Hold on, girl, I'm getting there.

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A joke is either funny or it’s not funny. If I hear a funny joke, you know what I do? I laugh, that’s what I do. I don’t start a focus group to see whose feelings got hurt by the joke.

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Teacher:
"You copied from Tim's exam paper didn't you?"
Pupil:
"How did you know?"
Teacher:
"Tim's paper says 'I don't know' and you put 'Me neither'!"

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