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I was checking out at the busy super market, and the cashier was having problems. The register ran out of paper, the scanner malfunctioned, and finally the cashier spilled a handful of coins. When she totaled my order, it came to exactly $22.
Trying to soothe her nerves, I said,
"That's a nice round figure."
Still frazzled, she glared at me and said,
"You're no bean pole yourself."

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Jill's car was unreliable and she called John for a ride every time it broke down. One day John got yet another one of those calls...
John:
"What happened this time?"
Jill:
"My brakes went out. Can you come get me?"
John:
"Where are you?"
Jill:
"I'm in the drugstore."
John:
"And where's the car?"
Jill:
"It's in here with me."

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Why do we wash bath towels?
Aren't we clean when we use them???

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Whats forty feet long and has only 14 teeth? … The front row at a Willie Nelson Concert.

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Hit kickass if you think [SW234] is a fаg who is trying to get fame for his lame аss jokes

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Q. What would happen if you have a wooden car, with wooden wheels, a wooden chair, and a wooden engine?
A. It wooden start!

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Sometimes you run into people who change your life for the better. Those people are called Bartenders.

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Scientists are using the rovers to diligently search for life on the red planet. They have discovered water and ice. The search now depends on the successful discovery of empty gin bottles.

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Why did Batman change in a phone booth?
Apparently he was having an identity crisis.

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I was disappointed by the British version of Breaking Bad.
It ends after he gets cancer and all his treatment is paid for by the NHS.

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Me and my wife tried to adopt a baby last week but unfortunately the supermarket security guards saw us on CCTV and we were arrested.

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Saw a sign that made me рiss myself today.
Toilets closed.

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Just had the following conversation at McDonalds.
Me: Can I have a вееr please?
Clerk: Sir this is McDonalds!
Me: Ok… Can I have a McBeer please?

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If Gordon Ramsay made sat-navs:
“fuск off you brainless аsshоlе, you were supposed to turn right!!”

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How did the Antartian break his leg raking leaves?
He fell out of the tree.
How did the Antartian die drinking milk?
The соw stepped on her.

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This fellow was a very good harp player and wound up playing a gig in San Francisco, at a pub named Sam Fran's Disco. When his gig was up and he returned home, he found out he had forgotten his harp. When he told his wife he had to go right back, she wanted to know why. He said,
"Because I left my harp in Sam Fran's Disco".

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I have a claim to fame you know…
I used to be the world’s youngest person.

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Guy: That's a not a photocopier that's a shredder. And what have you done to your аss?

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