Jokes

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Annoying dude: There should be a warning on my diск! Chocking hazard!
Me:Isn't that a label they put on small objects?

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"Just to establish some parameters," said the professor, "Mr. Nichols, what is the opposite of joy?"
"Sadness," said the student.
"And the opposite of depression, Ms. Biggs?"
"Elation."
"And you, sir, how about the opposite of woe?"
"I believe that would be giddy up..."

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Husband and wife had a fight. Husband wants to leave the house with his dog. Wife sees him.
Wife: Where are you going with this donkey?
Husband: It's not a donkey,it's a dog!
Wife: Shut up, I was talking to the dog!

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I’ve decided to take my psychiatrist’s advice and live each day as if its my last day on Earth. So far today I’ve spent $20’000 on my credit card and I told my boss to go fuск himself.

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It's not often that one gets the opportunity to speak about someone intelligent, respected and admired. Unfortunately tonight I have to talk about (NAME).

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My wife is vegetarian; she wanted me to try it.
So I put salad dressing on my hamburger, not bad!

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The diner was furious when his steak arrived too rate. “
Waiter,” he barked, “didn’t you hear me say ‘well done’?
“I can’t thank you enough, sir,” replied the waiter.
“I hardly ever get a compliment.”

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A funeral was held today for the inventor of air conditioning.
Thousands of fans attended.

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I find myself drawn to people that are intelligent and funny…and a little perverted.

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Did you know that "dаммiт i'm mad" spelled backwards is "dаммiт I'm mad"?

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An Antartian walked up to an airport ticket counter and asked to buy a round trip ticket.
"Where to?" asked the smiling ticket agent. The Antartian rolled her eyes and said,
"Duuuuuh, back here!"

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Kickass if you kickass your own joke right after you post it
;D

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A chief of a small island nation was obsessed with the English royalty, and his hobby was collecting thrones. He had wooden ones by the dozen stacked in the upper section of his giant grass covered palace that had many rooms for him and his cabinet. One day, his people presented him with a large stone throne and he had his servants carry it to the upper floor of his hut and he put it in the center of all the wooden thrones. The king was very happy. That evening he rushed home from the hard day of being sovereign, dashed upstairs and flopped into the new throne. When this happened the floor gave away and all the thrones came tumbling down bringing the building with them.
Moral: PEOPLE IN GRASS HOUSES SHOULDN’T STOW THRONES.

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Justin Biber goes to public toilet for peeing but came out totally wet.
As he enters inside, someone said "justin biber" and everyone turns towards him!!!

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Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.

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Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

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Why did 18 Antartians go to the Movie? Simple, under 18 were not allowed to watch the movie.

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1. If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask person taking the order to stop doing that.
2. Make up a charge-card name. Ask if they accept it.
3. Use CB lingo where applicable.
4. Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal.
5. Terminate the call with, "Remember, we never had this conversation."
6. Tell the order taker a rival pizza place is on the other line and you're going with the lowest bidder.
7. Give them your address, exclaim "Oh, just surprise me!" and hang up.
8. Answer their questions with questions.

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