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When a customer left his cell phone in my store, I scrolled through his saved numbers, stopped at "Mom" and pushed send. His mother answered, and I told her what happened.
"Don't worry," she said,
"I'll take care of it."
A few minutes later, the cell phone rang. It was "Mom."
"Martin," she said,
"You left your cell phone at the convenience store."

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People don't get my puns. They think they're funny.

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Do you know why medical facilities in Phoenix, Arizona treat substantially more tourist for heat exhaustion every summer than they do locals?
It’s because tourist think you can actually tan outside.

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I read something the other day that made me рiss myself.
It was a sign that said “Toilets closed”

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I remember in the old days when people used to get mad if you read their diary. Now people put everything online and get mad when you don’t read it.

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Did you know if you put your ear next to your girlfriends аrsеhоlе you can hear her say, “What the fuск are you doing?

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I just did a computer rendition of what I'd look like fifty years from now.
Apparently fifty years from now I'll look like a hand full of dirt.

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Do you know what's corny?
A field of corn.

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I hate teachers who give homework over break. Like do you not understand what a break is? Do you want me to demonstrate on your neck?

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Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new.

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Cars and People are alike...
Some go Forward, some go in Reverse, and some just go around in circles.

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Q. Who were the first people on Earth ?
A. The Indians they had A Reservation.

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They can get rid of page three, that's the water landing section. There is no useful information there. At the top, they show you how to use your seat-bottom cushion as a flotation device. I don't want to present myself as a genius, but if I am drowning and something is floating, I will figure out how to operate it.

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A girl heard her mom yell her name from downstairs, so she got up and started to head down. As she got to the stairs, her mom pulled her into her room and said,
"I heard that, too."

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If you are offered a penny for your thoughts and you give your two cents worth, where does the other penny go?

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Did you water the plants, Sofia, asked the mistress of the house?
“Of course, ma’am,” Sofia said. “Don’t you hear the water dripping on the carpet?”

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1. An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.
2. A few beers short of a six-pack.
3. Dumber than a box of hair.
4. A few peas short of a casserole.
5. Doesn't have all his corn flakes in one bowl.
6. One fruit loop shy of a full bowl.
7. One taco short of a combination plate.
8. Cranially challenged.
9. All foam no вееr.
10. The cheese slid off of his сrаскеr.

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After the dance, young Charles asked the young girl if he could see her home - so she showed him a picture of it.

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