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I went to the auditions for Britain’s Got Talent but got turned down almost immediately.
My passport reads “UK resident”.
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I’ve just ordered a new door веll online.
The problem is I wont know when it arrives.
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Hey, I'm writing poem for my wife. What rhymes with "leaving you next week"?
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"Why couldn't the Indian get into his tee рее?
He had no reservations
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My girlfriend has started a diet with the aim to lose 15 lbs for our wedding day, She achieved it today as I raided her purse.
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Why did the devil that backed into an electric fаn go to a liquor store?
Answer: He had heard that that's where they "retail spirits."
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Wife: honey, can i hold henry? (their new baby)
Husband: wait until he cries.
Wife: why??
Husband: because i cant find him!!!!!!
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I sometimes go to my own little world, but that's okay, they know me there.
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What do you call a соw jumping over a barbed-wire fence?
An "utter" disaster!
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Two buddies are fishing, but they haven’t caught anything all day. Then, another fisherman walks by with a huge load of fish. They ask him "excuse me, but where did you get all those fish?"
The other fisherman replies,” If you just go down the stream until the water isn't salty, there are a ton of hungry fish."
They thank him and go on their way. 15 minutes later, one fisherman says to the other "fill the bucket up with water and see if the water is salty."
He dips the bucket in the stream and drinks some. "Nope. Still salty." 30 minutes later, he asks him to check again.
"Nope, still salty." One our later they check again. "Nope. Still salty."
"This isn't good," the fisherman finally says. "We have been walking for almost two hours and the water is still salty!"
"I know," says the other. "And the bucket is almost empty!"
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It was an extremely rough English Channel crossing from Weymouth to Jersey, and one wretched green-faced passenger was hugging the rail when a steward approached him.
“Lunch, sir?” asked the tactless steward.
“No, thanks,” groaned the passenger. “Jus throw it overboard and save me the touble…
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We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the special was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $1.99.
“Sounds good,” my wife said. “But I don’t want the eggs.”
“Then I’ll have to charge you two dollars and forty-nine cents because you’re ordering a la carte,” the waitress warned her.
“You mean I’d have to pay for not taking the eggs?” my wife asked incredulously. “I’ll take the special.”
“How do you want your eggs?”
“Raw and in the shell,” my wife replied. She took the eggs home.
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Do not read the next sentence.
You little rebel, I like you.
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Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
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I hate it whenever I’m in the car and I see one of those road signs that says “Draw Bridge Ahead” and I don’t have a pencil.
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If my grandmother ever found out how much I spent on her funeral. She would be spinning in her ditch.
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Me and my partner have come under heavy criticism lately after being the first couple in our village to do a gаy adoption. I just don’t see why I should spend the next 16 years of my life raising a child that looks gаy.
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When I was older, I used to love playing around with time machines.
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