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I'm afraid of my computer. I know when I turn it off, it's learning new things without me.

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How did the violin greet the guitar?
Cello!!

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The definition of Punctuality: The art of waiting for others who are unpunctual.

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That beautiful smell when you put a thick juicy piece of steak onto a barbecue. I wonder if vegans get the same feeling when they are cutting the grass?

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Dean and Jerry were riding a train across the west.
Jerry looked out the window and saw a whole lot
Of buffalo roaming the range.
Look at that big bunch of buffalo said Jerry.
Dean: Don’t say bunch say herd.
Jerry: Heard what.
Dean: Herd of buffalo.
Jerry: Sure I’ve heard of buffalo.
Dean: No... you don’t understand, a buffalo herd.
Jerry: I don’t care what a buffalo heard
I ain”t said nothing that I’m ashamed of.

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How do you burn an idiот's face?
Phone him while he's doing the ironing.

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Im selling my roof for free… i gues you can say its on the house!

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What did the keyboard say to the typist?
You’re really pushing my buttons!!!!

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Bored? Broke?
Do you find yourself with over 35 spare hours to fill every week?
Would you like to earn hundreds of pounds every month?
Then get a fuскing job like the rest of us, you lazy ваsтаrds.

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On next week’s X Factor, the winner of last year’s contest will make a guest appearance.
It’s nice of his manager at Burger King to give him the night off for it.

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An idiот decided to start a chicken farm, so he bought a hundred chickens to start. A month later, he returned to the dealer for another hundred chickens because all of the first lot had died. A month later he was back at the dealers for another hundred chickens for the second lot had also died. "But I think I know where I'm going wrong," said the idiот. "I think I am planting them too deep."

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A memorandum is written not to inform the reader, but to protect the writer.

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I hate job interviews, they always end badly. I just never seem to be able to pick the right moment to lean in and go for the kiss.

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Just found out that I’m colourblind…
The diagnosis came completely out of the purple.

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1. Why are round pizzas put in square boxes?
2. If a deaf person must appear in court is it still called a hearing?
3. Why does the sign read, “Enter at your own risk" who else could you risk other than yourself?
4. If it's called "frying pan" is it OK to boil something in it?
5. Why doesn't every doughnut have nuts in it?

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If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me.
I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way.

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What did the mummy sardine say to her children when they saw a submarine?
Don't worry, it's only a tin of people..

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Two cannibals decided to go mountain climbing. They gathered up their gear, and in case they got hungry they packed up a bunch of body parts to munch on. Things were going quite well until they reached a crevice in the trail they were on. Even though it was only 3 feet wide, looking down they saw that it was a 1000 foot drop to the bottom.
"I suppose we could try to jump across, it's only 3 feet," said Rasheed.
"I don't think that's wise," replied Anwar. "One slip, and it's certain death. Wait! I have an idea!" Rustling through his knapsack, he grabs a severed leg and lays it across the gaping fissure.
"What are you planning to do with that?" asked Rasheed.
Answered Anwar, "I'm going out on a limb!"

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