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Q. What do witches put on their hair when they are going out????
A. Scare-spray

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My younger brother recently became involved with drugs and it’s totally turned his life upside down. He now drives a Porche and has his own house which he paid for in cash.

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I think there should be a Spanish-style siesta in this country -- from about half 11 in the morning until Thursday.

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Q:What kind of coat can be put on only when wet?
A:A coat of paint.

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Whenever you tell someone you're afraid to fly, they're like, 'You know, it's the safest way to travel.' Really? I think walking beats it. I never been walking along and just burst into flames and then fell 20,000 feet. Maybe it's just the way that I walk, though. I'm a real careful walker.

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Do you know why electricians are some of the smartest people?
They always keep up with current events.

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A nice box of chocolates provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Isn't that handy?

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Beauty comes from within -- like gas.

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Two guys were fishing on the Ohio River. One catches the biggest catfish either one has ever seen. He says to his buddy, “We need to remember this spot so we can come back here again.” His buddy pulls a pen out of his pocket and makes a big ‘X’ on the bottom of his boat. The first guy looks at his buddy, shaking his head in disgust. “You idiот- what if we bring another boat next time?”

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Q. What does a Mancunian call a table laden with Неrоin, Сосаinе, Skunk, GBH, Vаliuм, Spice, Methadone, Ecstasy and LSD?
A. Buffet.
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Don’t you just hate it when your clothes mysteriously vanish and you get arrested for being half-nакеd in public. That’s the last time I ever wear Bermuda shorts again.

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Apparently the word ‘IKEA’ is Swedish for ‘f*ck’, explains a lot.

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Tried to explain to my 4 year old son that pooping your pants is nothing to be ashamed of… He’s totally not buying it and he’s been making fun of me for 1 hour straight.

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When you say the word ‘роор’, your mouth does the same motion as your аrsе hole.

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Rap is to music as Etch-A-Sketch is to art.

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I think McDonald's should be able to turn away customers like a bartender. "Three Big Macs please."
"Sir, I think you've had enough."

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Why did the author write his novel in the basement?
He wanted to write a best cellar.

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Boy : Hey ваве, you're the sun of my life!
Girl : That's so sweeeeet!
Boy : Now stay 149 597 871 KM AWAY FROM ME!

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