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What does fiat stand for? Fix It Again Tony.
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You know you’ve had a good curry when it’s spicier coming out than it was going in.
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Two guys were sitting in a double hole outhouse doing their business, when #1 gets through and pulling up his pants, a quarter falls out of his pocket and falls into the depths of the hole. As they both peer down the hole, #1 pulls out his wallet and throws a 20 dollar into the hole. "What did you do that for?" inquires #2.
#1 replies "You don't think I'm going to climb down there for a lousy quarter, do you"
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My mum walked in my room the other day and said…
“You’ll go blind if you do that.”
I was so embarrassed, I dropped my binoculars and missed the eclipse.
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A cannibal chief invited over another cannibal chief from a different tribe over for dinner. They sit down and eat the best meat. After dinner, the visiting cannibal chief said,
"Wow that was good! Your wife makes the best meat." Then the other cannibal chief said,
"Yeah, I'm gonna miss her..."
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English classes would be much easier if Shakespeare's mom had an abortion.
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We only have 2 minutes left before we die… but every time you breath it resets the clock.
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I had a dream this morning that I was floating on a giant mushroom but when I woke up I was shocked to discover that I’d actually crashed into a nursery.
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One day, Murphy and O'Brien went deer hunting in the woods. They sit in the woods for hours, when suddenly this humongous buck comes into view. With a nice clean shot, O'Brien bangs the buck. They drag it back to camp by the вuтт, but the antlers keep getting stuck. Another hunter says,
"You guys should drag it by the antlers. It won't get stuck." They do, and Murphy yells, "Hey, he was right. He is not getting stuck." O'Brien replies,
"Yeah, but we're getting farther away from camp."
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Do you realize people are prisoners to their phones?
That's why they are called CELL PHONES
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What part of the human body is called the "yet"?
I don't know either, but in the paper it said this lady got shot and they haven't got the bullet out of her yet!
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A driving instructor: What would you do if you were going up an icy hill and the motor stalled and brakes failed?
His student replied; I’d quickly adjust the rearview mirror.
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Four out of five dentists recommended flossing every day.
The other one is out killing lions.
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There was an Antartian sitting on the living room floor painting with four coats on. When her husband got home he asked,
"Honey, why are you wearing four coats and painting?" The Antartian replied, "The paint can says the color is better with 3 or 4 coats."
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If you lose one sense, your other senses are enhanced.
That’s why people with no sense of humour have an increased sense of self-importance.
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I’ll never forget my 1st week as a detective, it was terrifying. I kept seeing ghosts at every сriме scene but then I found out they actually use white blankets to cover the dead.
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This girl i was dating called me and said,
"Come on over there's nobody home," so i rushed over to her house. There was nobody home, that b*tch
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What is the longest word in the world?
Smiles ... because there is a MILE between the first and last letter.
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