Jokes

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I was walking past an ATM, and I saw and old lady. She said "Kind sir may you please help me check my balance". I said sure, so I pushed here over. Her balance was terrible.

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Got a free tattoo on my arm yesterday. All I had to do was accidentally pour boiling water on myself.

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Q. Where did the Egyptian Mummy go to get her back fixed?
A. The Cairo.. Practor!

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I came out of a human because somebody came in a human.

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Strange, isn’t it. You stand in the middle of a library and go “aaaaagghhhh” and everyone just stares at you in disgust.
But you do the same thing on an airplane, and everyone joins in.

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Why are girls and calculus similar?
We both don't understand them!!

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My parents keep telling me to stop sitting on this computer all day and to stop being a smart-аrsе.
Actually, I sit on the chair.

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Electile Dysfunction - the inability to become aroused over any of the choices for President, put forth by either party in the 2016 election year.

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When, and if, Мiск Jagger retires, he has expressed interest in building structures assembled with concrete and mortar...
That would make him a Rolling Stonemason.

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I find boiling water very relaxing. It's a good way of letting off some steam.

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Why did Mickey divorce Minnie? Because she was f*cking Goofy.

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NBC TV is planning a new series, “Airline Tragedies”
They are putting together the pilot right now.

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My house is not messy...
I have just set up obstacles for any burglar that might want to test their luck.

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Loving the new mp3 car horn I’ve recently installed. It’s amazing how much quicker people get out of your way when they start hearing gunshots.

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Went to a barbershop today for a shave. The barber wanted me to put a small wooden ball in my mouth to get a closer shave around my cheeks.
I said:
“What if I swallow the ball?”
He said:
“No problem, just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else.”

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I was the only bloke in a pre-screening of 50 shades of grey, but I could tell it was going to be a good film,
The place was buzzing.

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Just tried to кill a spider with some Axe Body Spray but it survived and is now trying to make inappropriate sеxuаl advances towards me.

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I woke up with a dead leg this morning. That’s the last time I take out a loan with the mafia.

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