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An important official who was visiting an insane asylum made a telephone call but had difficulty getting his number. Finally, in exasperation, he shouted to the operator, “Look here, miss, do you know who I am?” “No,” she replied calmly, “but I now where you are.”

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You know a song is bad if it is put in Alvin and the Chipmunks.

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Crush: Can i tell you something?
Me: Yeah
Crush: I Love U
Me: Really!!! I can't believe it!! :
')
Crush: Yes, it is my favourite vowel

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My Pokemon brings all the nerds to the yard and they’re like “do you wanna trade cards?” Dамn right, I wanna trade cards, I will trade you… but not my Charizard.

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A guy drove to the beach and parked his car close to the water's edge - not realizing it was Low Tide - then he went for a long hike up into the mountains. During his excursion, High Tide came and then receded - completely submersing his car for a period of time in the process. When he finally returned to his car - he became very concerned when he found out that he had Tuna in his Mercury!

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Toothbrush:sometimes I think I have the worst job in the world!????
Toilet paper:Yea right????

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Q. What did the salt say to the pepper?
A. Hey Baby, what's SHAKING!

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Anant climbs into bed and sets a glass of water and aspirin on his girlfriend's bedside table. She tells him, "I don't have a headache."
He replies,
"Good, let's f*ck!"

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When I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday she said 'Just gimme something with diamonds.' That's why I got her a pack of cards.

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Bratwurst
Sauerkraut
Cabbage
Potatoes
Cheese
Beetroot
Onions
Bread
Butter
Schindler’s mum’s list.

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I suppose the reason Eskimos have so many words for snow, is that otherwise, I spy would be shiт.

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Guys, this was actually a real tweet from the actor Morgan Freeman.
@FreemanVerified: I'm still alive you sтuрid f*cktards. Please stop confusing me with #NelsonMandela. Thank you.
(it's a true tweet)LOL

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Space Shuttles, they leave the earth white and they return white... What I'm trying to say is, it's time NASA went public with their sunscreen!

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Not the sharpest knife in the drawer, is he?

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Why is the letter W called double-u and not double-V?

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If Video game shopkeepers existed in real life the way they do in the replenishment/reward shops in the video games, business would be booming.
…
Example of a Pharmacy:
“I’ll take 99 boxes of Tylenol, 99 tetanus shots, 99 vials of clear eyes, and what’s in that little box over there? sсrеw it -I’ll take 99 of them as well.”
“Very good sir, may I ask what you will be using these for?”
“Who says I’m gonna use them?”

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How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

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Definition of Clothes Dryer: An appliance designed to eat socks.

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