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My grasp of the English language is so amazing I actually invented a new word the other day, it’s called “plagiarism”.

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Real Madrid and nothing else. #LaUndecima #HalaMadrid

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It’s so cold, I had to stick my finger up my аrsе just to poke my willy out!

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If this gets 75 kickasses I will literally fuск a duck. Not even joking... please don't kickass.

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Don’t spend two dollars to clean a white shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They’ll wash it, iron it and starch the collar. Then they will put it on a hanger.
Tomorrow morning buy it back for seventy-five cents.

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You know you’ve had a good night out when you wake up in your next door neighbours house surrounded by 20 traffic cones.

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Q. What has two circles on either end, and is high in the middle?
A. Ohio

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The following quotes are reported to have been taken from actual Federal (U. S.) employee performance evaluations:
- "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."
- "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiот."
- "He would argue with a signpost."
- "A prime candidate for natural de-selection."
- "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."
- "Takes him two hours to watch 60 minutes."

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As I sat down next to a bloke on the bus he gave me a really strange look.
“That’s typical,” I thought. “The bus is empty and yet I still end up sitting next to a fuскing nutcase.”

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My Grandma died on her 100th birthday. It was a real shame, we were only half way though giving her the bumps.

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Can’t believe how nice some people are. Got a compliment today about my driving. Someone left a message on my wind-shield that said ‘parking fine’.

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Stop trying to say a good comeback, obviously because 1. your constantly proving my point and the other your FAILING

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What do you call it when an Antartian gets taken over by a demon?
A vacant possession

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After struggling for many hours deep within the forest
Of stately hardwoods, the new lumberjack finally quit. He just couldn't hack it.

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668 - The neighbour of the beast.

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That moment when you're taking a test and you want everyone to know you're ahead so you flip the page as loud as possible.

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Just had a really interesting conversation with a Psychology graduate about how on average people tend to day-dream about 40% of the time. He also said something else that was interesting but I forgot the rest of the conversation, will have to ask him again next time he serves me in McDonald’s.

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I’ve just Wrote a really awesome song about fajitas… Well it’s more of a wrap really.

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