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I don't really do, like, a big exploding joke at the end 'cause this is a job and I treat it just like you treat your job. Whatever it is you do for eight hours a day, right before you clock out, you don't start doing yours extra good, do you?
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The reading material at the barbershop consisted entirely of мurdеr stores, mysteries, thrillers, and ghost tales.
When Peter asked the barber if he wanted to terrify his customers he replied.
“No Peter. These books make the customers’ hair stand up and then it becomes
Easier to trim and cut.”
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Rabbits hop and they live for 8 year, dogs run and they live for 15 years and tortoise do nothing and they for 150 years. Lesson learnt.
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Not sure what’s longer.
A microwave minute or a treadmill minute.
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I've always wondered what a German history book looked like.
"We f*cked up here, here, Big time here, here...."
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A fantastic new series of billboard ads are now displaying along several highways, encouraging drivers to slow down. The billboards read:
Being "Mister Late" is always better than being the "Late Mister".
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I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid…then I was petrified.
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I never realized how common Tourettes syndrome was until I got a job as a traffic warden.
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Whenever i get pulled over, i do my very best to get away with what i did. Last time i got pulled over;
Cop: You know why i stopped you??
I looked at him with a straight face and said;
Me: CUZ IM BLACK!! (even though im not black)
The cop was wide-eyed after i said that.
Me: Haha hеll yea. Wasup playa??
The cop turned on his flashlight and looked at me.
Cop: get the hеll outta here sтuрid!!
I drove off happy to know i didnt get a ticket.
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Q. Why did Bill Gates produce a smelly fаrт in the Apple store?
A. Because they didn’t have Windows.
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My girlfriend found lipstick in my pocket, I told her straight away I was cheating on her, there was no fuскing chance I was going to tell her that I was an Avon Rep.
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A little old lady was among a group at an art exhibition in a newly opened gallery.
Suddenly one contemporary painting caught her eye. “What on earth,” she inquired of the artist standing nearby, “is that?” He smiled condescendingly. “That, my dear lady, is supposed to be a mother and her child.” “Well, then” snapped the little old lady, “Why isn’t it?”
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Am I the only one who wants their casket to be lit on fire and launched into space with a bunch of fireworks going off at their funeral? Yes? Dамn what about being buried in a minefield.
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When NASA was preparing for the Apollo Project, it took the astronauts to a Navajo reservation in Arizona for training.
One day, a Navajo elder and his son came across the space crew walking among the rocks. The elder, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question.
His son translated for the NASA people:
"What are these guys in the big suits doing?"
One of the astronauts said that they were practicing a trip to the moon.
When his son relayed this comment the Navajo elder got all excited and asked if it would be possible to give to the astronauts a message to deliver to the moon.
Recognizing a promotional opportunity when he saw one, a NASA official accompanying the astronauts said,
"Why certainly!" and told an underling to get a tape recorder. The Navajo elders comments into the microphone were brief. The NASA official asked the son if he would translate what his father had said. The son listened to the recording and laughed uproariously. But he refused to translate.
So the NASA people took the tape to a nearby Navajo village and played it for other members of the tribe. They too laughed long and loudly but also refused to translate the elder’s message to the moon.
An official government translator was summoned. After he finally stopped laughing the translator relayed the message:
Watch out for these jerks, they have come to steal your land."
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Did you hear about the actor who fell through the floorboards?
He was just going through a stage.
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Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia: Fear of long words.
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“Hi? Is this the mental hospital?”
“Yes, it is.”
“Can I speak to Mr. Scott in room ten?
“One moment and I’ll connect you …. I’m sorry, Mr. Scott in not answering.”
“Good. That means I must have really escaped.”
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Teacher: Could you give these papers to the teacher over there?
Guy: I could, but I don't want to.
Teacher: ...
Guy: It's a question, right?
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