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What did the spider say to the beetle?
“Stop bugging me.”

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If your girl asks you to go and watch Fifty Shades of Grey next weekend, is this the opportune time to mumble something about a “headache”, roll over and go to sleep?

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(NAME) is a terrific athlete. He recently ran the London Marathon - he was aiming for 3 hours but just missed it! he made it in 3 hrs 150 minutes

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Yesterday I saw a bus load of terrorists fall of a cliff, I cried. There was two empty seats.

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A city feller who didn't know the front end of a goat from a magnolia bush was watching his weekend host's daughter milking her соw when a farm hand hollered, "Watch out, here comes the bull!"
The city feller vaulted a fence for safety, but noted to his surprise that the girl never budged from her stool. Furthermore, the bull stopped abruptly, snorted almost apologetically and meekly retreated to his
Enclosure.
"Weren't you petrified?" demanded the guest. "Not me," said the milkmaid, "but I reckon the bull was. This here соw's his mother-in-law."

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"I’m getting a divorce," said Jack to his mate, Bill. ‘The wife hasn’t spoken with me for six months."
Bill thought for a moment and then replied,’ Just make sure you know what you’re doing, Jack. Wives like that are hard to find"

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Hmm what if Kickasshumor wasn't just a website for people to write down their joke but a group of comedians stealing our lines.

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Two antarcticans were walking in the woods when they came upon some tracks.
The first said,
"You know, those look like deer tracks." The other said,
"No, silly, those are moose tracks."
They were still arguing about it when a train hit them.

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The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.

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What if i told you
The stickers are made in China Not the item

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I like pom
Read it again

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Im not an expert with cactuses but i know a рriск when i see one

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Why is it your old lady can ignore you for like 6 hours in a row when she’s on every social media site there is.
But you sneak off down the pub for an hour for a quick pint and she hunts you down quicker than Usain Bolt?

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Old people at weddings aways poke me and say "your next." So, I started doing the same at funerals

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Q. What's a Tennis Player's Favourite Card?
A. Ace

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What has a hundred legs and lives on yogurt?
An aerobics class.

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Me: do you know the difference between a bag of oranges and an elephant?
You: no!
Me: well i am not sending you to the store for a bag of oranges! lol

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Just got sacked from my job at the daycare center. Apparently ‘Schindler’s List’ is an inappropriate film for a 5 year old’s birthday party.

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