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Oh no! Playstation and Xbox online services are down!
Someone call an ambulance! Wii U Wii U Wii U.
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Ollie asks, “Ven is yur birt’day, Sven?” …
…
Sven replies:
“March 21st.” …
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Ollie:
“Vaht year?” …
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Sven:
“Every year.”
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Fun fact: The person who wrote the "Let it Go" song for the movie Frozen was constipated when he wrote it.
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When you look in the mirror, it reflects...
Don't you ever wonder when it 'flected' the first time?
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Went on a flight with BA last night which was a total nightmare, he really hates flying.
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If Tetris has taught me anything, it’s that mistakes build up and successes fade away
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I wear a stethoscope, so that in a medical emergency , I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
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A Texan was taking a taxi tour of London and was in a hurry. As they went by the Tower of London the cab driver explained what it was and that construction of it started in 1346 and was completed in 1412.
The Texan replied, "Shoot, a little ol' tower like that? In Houston we'd have that thing up in two weeks!"
Next they passed the House of Parliament - started in 1544 and completed in 1618.
"Well boy, we put up a вiggеr one than that in Dallas and it only took a year!"
As they passed Westminster Abbey the cab driver was silent.
"Whoah! What's that over there?" asked the Texan.
The driver replied, "I don't know, it wasn't there yesterday."
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A guy goes to a girl's house for the first time, and she shows him into the living room. She excuses herself to go to the kitchen to make them a few drinks, and as he's standing there alone, he notices a cute little vase on the mantel.
He picks it up, and as he's looking at it, she walks back in. He says "What's this?"
She says,
"Oh, my father's ashes are in there."
He goes, "Geez... Oooh.... I..."
She says,
"Yeah, he's too lazy to go to the kitchen to get an ashtray."
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“I’d like some really tight jeans.”
“Certainly, sir. Will you walk this way?”
“If they’re as tight as yours I’ll probably have to.”
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How do you know when to beat up a мidgет?
When he says your girlfriend's hair smells good.
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Don’t wear headphones while vacuuming...
I finished the whole house before realizing the vacuum wasn’t plugged in.
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How hot is it?
The birds have to use potholders to pull worms out of the ground.
The trees are whistling for the dogs.
The best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.
Hot water now comes out of both taps.
You can make sun tea instantly.
You learn that a seat belt buckle makes a pretty good branding iron.
The temperature drops below 95 and you feel a little chilly.
You discover that in August it only takes 2 fingers to steer your car.
You discover that you can get sunburned through your car window.
You actually burn your hand opening the car door.
You break into a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 a. M.
Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death?"
You realize that asphalt has a liquid state.
The potatoes cook underground, so all you have to do is pull one out and add butter, salt and pepper.
Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying boiled eggs.
The cows are giving evaporated milk.
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Do you ever go in the bathroom after someone has, shall we say, ruined the ozone? I was in one the other night. It was like Sатаn was in there before me: all the mirrors cracked, the wallpaper's peeling off the wall, the toilet paper roll's going around by itself. There was a rat in the corner going, 'My eyes! My eyes! I can't see!'
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Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Honesty.
Boss: I don’t consider that a weakness.
Me: I don’t give a fuск what you think.
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My girlfriend says she’ll leave me if I don’t stop playing on my Xbox all the time, so I took her out to dinner…
Achievement Unlocked: Went Outside.
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I found thousands of letters in my postbox today.
That’s the last time I order a dictionary from IKEA.
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I tried that thing today at the petrol station where you try and stop the pump ваng on what you want to pay, but let it go a fraction too late and it stopped on 20.03.
“Воllоскs!” I shouted and walked into the shop to pay.
“Unlucky, mate,” smiled the attendant, who’d seen what I’d done. “Don’t worry about the extra.”
“Cheers, mate,” I said as I handed him my tenner and fuскеd off.
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