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Tony was a pianist and was practicing late one night. There was a tap on the door, when he opened it his landlord was standing outside the door. He asked; “do you know there is a sick lady upstairs?"
Tony answered, “no, I haven’t heard that song. Can you please hum it a little?"

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A journalist was interviewing a European frog attending an American Football game.
Q. Do you enjoy American Football?
A. Yes, but I prefer Cricket.
Q. I see, you prefer Cricket over Football is that correct?
A. No, I prefer cricket over popcorn.

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There is no such thing as ‘American English’
There’s the English language, and there are mistakes.

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What do you get when you rewind a country song?
You get your house back, your truck back, your wife back and your dog back!

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Can you see the the mistake?
10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20
Like if you found it

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What goes up and never comes down?
Your age
1 egg takes 5 minutes to boil. How long does 10 eggs take to boil?
The same 5 minutes.
How many times does a tailor have to cut 100 yards of cloth to get 100 equal pieces?
99 times. You don’t cut the last piece, it is already there
What side of the teacup is the handle on?
I really don't know the answer
Which is heavier? 1 pound of hay or 1pound of metal. Which is heavier?
They both weigh a pound
Peter piper picked a peck of pickled peppers. A peck of pickled peppers, Peter piper picked. If Peter piper picked a peck of pickled peckers, how many peckers did Peter piper picked? How many Ps are there in THAT?
None... H... A... T..... There are NO P's in the word THAT
What has 100 eyes and cannot see?
A potato
Two Indians standing on a bridge. One is the father of the other ones son. What is the relation between the two Indians?
Mother and Father
What has NO legs and CAN run?
Water

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The color red white and blue represents freedom, until it's flashing in the back of your car....

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My girlfriend told me to stop playing Pokemon as it was childish.
I started thrashing about and roared “You don’t have enough badges to control me!”

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How many Iraqis does it take to launch a Scud missile?
Two. One to launch it, and one to watch CNN to find out where it landed.

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"Why did they arrest you?"
"They said I was shopping too early."
"Well, that's not a сriме. How early were you shopping?"
"Before the store opened."

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So the bus driver said to the string, "Are you a string?" and the string said,
"No, I'm afraid not". (A frayed knot).

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Mrs. Smith’s elderly husband doesn't feel well so she takes him to the dr. Mr. Smith leaves her in the waiting room for a while. Finally the Dr. comes and says,
"Mrs. Smith I’m sorry to tell you that your husband is going to die." Mrs. Smith says,
"Dr. is there anything I can do?" the Dr. told her "well there is a couple of things you could do: First you could cook him a wonderful dinner every night. Second you could give him a nice back rub every night. Third you could make love to him like you never have before every night." Mrs. Smith says ok. A little while later Mr. Smith comes out and asks Mrs. Smith "what did the Dr. say?" Mrs. Smith says,
"I’m sorry honey but you are going to die."

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I'm concerned Exit signs are becoming outdated, i hope there not on their way out.

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I read this article that said your car reflects your personality. I don't have a car.

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My speech today will be like a mini-skirt. Long enough to cover the essentials but short enough to hold your attention!

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After digging to a depth of 100m last year, Russian scientists found traces of copper wiring dating back 1000 years, and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network one thousand years ago.
So as not to be outdone, in the weeks that followed, American scientists dug 200m, and headlines in the US newspapers read:
"US scientists have found traces of 2000 year old optical fibers, and have concluded that their ancestors already had advanced high-tech digital telephone 1000 years earlier than the Russians."
One week later, the Antartian press reported the following:
"After digging as deep as 500m, Antartian scientists have found absolutely nothing. They have concluded that 5000 years ago, their ancestors were already using mobile phones.

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Some people in the club are waiting for the beat to drop, but I'm at home waiting for the microwave to hit 0.

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A guy is creating a yahoo account
Sets password as "diск"
Error says "too short"

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