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Two guys met in the middle of the desert. One was carrying a car door, the other an umbrella. The one with the car door said to the guy with the umbrella, "Why are you carrying that umbrella around, it isn't going to rain in the desert?" To which the guy with the umbrella replies,
"Yeah”, but it keeps me out of the sun! By the way, why are you carrying around that car door, you don’t even have a car to go with it” The guy with the car door says,
"Yeah, well at least if I get too hot from the sun I can just roll down the window!"
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Waiter: And how did you find your steak, sir?
Customer: Well, I just pushed aside a bean and there it was!
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I went to a psychic the other day and asker her if I was gonna go to jail in the future….. She said no so I robbed her.
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What do you call a lооnеy, lifelong small town resident?
A lосо local.
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I got robbed at the gas station today. I called the cops and they asked if I knew who did it.
I said,
"Yes, pump number six."
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Can’t believe how sтuрid the staff are at the McDonalds drive through. Sometimes it feels like I’m talking to a brick wall.
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I tape popcorn to the ceiling.
It’s cheaper than a smoke alarm.
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You can really scare someone when you yell “Peek-a-boo!”.
Especially when they’re trying on clothes in the fitting room.
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A group of college students, none of them too bright, walk into a bar and they seem to be celebrating something. All of them are repeating "32 days, 32 days" with much excitement.
The bartender, being curious, asks, "What's so special about 32 days?"
"Well," one of them said,
"We just finished putting a puzzle together. It only took us 32 days and the box said 3-4 years!"
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Boy: If I make you say no, will you go out with me?
Girl: Sure. Why not.
Boy: Will you go out with me?
Girl: No. Wait yes. No! Wait.. F*CK.
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Me : Ow! My eye is hurting
Guy : Why?
Me : Cause' I am looking at you
*snap*
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I hate Windows… Just tried to set my password to “mydick” but apparently it’s too short.
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My psychiatrist says I have a fear of speed bumps but now I’m slowly beginning to get over it.
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What do you call a pencil that can take a сrар? A number 2 pencil.
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Q. What's the easiest way to drown an Antartican?
A. Write scratch n' sniff on the bottom of the pool.
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I had a problem yesterday, so I called Eric, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come over.
Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. As he was walking away, I called after him, ‘So, what was wrong?
He replied, ‘It was an ID ten T error.’
I didn’t want to appear sтuрid, but nonetheless inquired, ‘An, ID ten T error? What’s that? In case I need to fix it again.’
Eric grinned …’Haven’t you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?
‘No,’ I replied.
‘Write it down,’ he said, ‘and I think you’ll figure it out.’
So I wrote down:………………………………………ID10T
I used to like Eric, the little shiт head.
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Why do people litter? Because they dont take the litter signs litterally.
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The United States cares about swimming once every 4 years, for exactly 2 weeks.
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