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Do you know why dogs don't dance?
They have two left feet!
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Student - Teacher can i use the bathroom?
Teacher- Why??
Student- to slay the magic dragon WТF???
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Question: How many buckets does it takes to empty a bath?
Answer: None, just pull the cork.
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You know you’ve had too much to drink when you wake up the next morning and find 10 pizzas and a mysterious wheelchair in your shower.
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Living in a flat below a tap dancer can be really annoying. That’s why I’ve decided to install powerful magnets in my ceiling.
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I saw a security guard the other day sleeping at 2 p. M., like a baby... I haven't slept like a baby in 10 years because I'm up thinking about stuff -- like goals. This guy had the right attitude:
'I've failed. Oh well. Night-night.'
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Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn’t mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a total mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Pettry amzanig huh?
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Just found a website that will help you clear your debts with just one easy payment. Just go to www. Buyashotgun. Com
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A mummy, daddy and baby tomato were walking along. The baby tomato had really short legs so he was falling behind. Impatient, the daddy tomato turned and squashed him saying, "Ketchup"
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I gave it a shot, but the problem was I couldn't speak Spanish -- and bullfighting's dangerous enough without having to use an English-to-Spanish dictionary.
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My mum never realised the irony when she called me son-of-a-bit*h
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If you play a nickelback song backwards u can hear voices from sатаn, even worse yet, if u play it forwards you can hear nickelback.
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A tourist and his trail guide were walking along a path when all of a sudden the guide runs up the hillside to a cave, yells "Wooo wooo," listens for a moment, and goes charging into the cave, stripping off his clothes on the run. He returns in about 15 minutes. The same scenario occurs again, after which the tourist asks about this strange behavior. The guide explains that if one of the young ladies of his town is in an amorous mood, she goes into a dark cave. If she hears "Wooo wooo," she responds "Wooo wooo" to signal that she is ready and willing. No one knows who is who and everyone is happy.
The tourist is amazed and asks if he might partake in this local custom at the next cave. The guide doesn’t see any problem with this. At the next cave the tourist runs to the entrance and calls out "Wooo wooo." To his delight, he hears a sonorous and enticing "Wooo wooo" sung back to him from the recesses of the cave. He takes off his clothes, rushes headlong into the cave, and gets run over by a train.
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The 65th annual Miss Universe was on the other night...
Funny thing is for the 65th year in a row, the winner was from Earth.
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It’s IKEA’s 25th birthday today, so I took them some eggs, flour, icing sugar, butter and a whisk, and told them there’s your fuскing cake.
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A drunк guy approaches a cute girl in a singles bar. “Hi Ваве, how about a date? He says. “Don’t waste your time. I never go out with a perfect stranger.”
“It seems we are both in luck. I’m far from perfect.”
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I’m sure the Miss Universe competition is always fixed. Why does the winner always come from planet Earth?
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An anthropologist was assigned to Borneo Island, where he found a guide with a canoe to take him up the river to the remote site he where he would make his collections. At noon on the second day of travel up the river they began to hear drums.
"What are those drums?" asked the anthropologist, knowing he was in cannibal country.
The guide turned to him and said "No worry. Drums OK, but very bad when they stop."
They both went ghostly pale when the drums suddenly stopped. The guide crouched in the belly of the canoe and covered his ears.
"Do as I do! Very important!" intoned the guide with great urgency.
"Why? What does this mean?" asked the panicked anthropologist.
"Drums stop! Next come guitar solo!"
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