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Just heard on the radio that apparantly 1 in 20 people live next door to a peodophile.
I don’t… I live next to a really fit 12 year old.

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At any given time, the urge to sing 'The Lion Sleeps Tonight' is just a whim away. A whim away, a whim away, a whim away...

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I went to a French restaurant last night and was served by a hideously ugly waitress. She really gave me the crepes.

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I live across the street from a crematorium.
What I want to know is, why do they have a delivery truck drop off marshmallows every morning?

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Keep calm and read kickass humor jokes.

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After the telephone was installed in her home, the lady called the operator.
“My telephone cord is too long,” she said. “Would you please pull it a little from your end?”

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Did you hear about the person who forgot to pay their exorcist?
They were repossessed.

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Lisa: Do you really lover, or do you just think you do?
Bob: Honey, I really lover you. I haven’t done any thinking yet.

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I'm experiencing heavy call volumes. Please hang up and never call me again.

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A mother has 3 sons. The youngest son comes up to her and asks her "Mom, why was I named Raindrop?" And the mom answers "Because the first thing that fell on your head when we came out of the hospital was a raindrop." Then the second son comes and asks her "Mom, why was I named Lemon?" And the mother says "Because the first thing that fell on you when we came out of the hospital was a lemon." Then the oldest son came over and said "PFFSH BWAHHH!" And the mother said "Shut Up Cinderblock."

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FLORIDA: If you think we can't vote, wait till you see us drive.
FLORIDA: If you don't like the way we count then take I-95 and visit one of the other 56 states.
FLORIDA: Relax, Retire, Re-vote.
FLORIDA: This is what you get for taking Elian away from us.
FLORIDA: We don't just cheat in football.
FLORIDA: Once is never enough!
FLORIDA: Don't blame me, I voted for Gore, I think.
FLORIDA: Don't blame me, my vote didn't count.

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I can't get enough minimalism.

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I just did a Tupperware Inventory… 17 round containers, 2 square lids.
Here are other recent inventories at my house:
Item ………. Quantity
Matched socks .. 0
Guitar picks ……. 0
Car Keys ….. …. 1
Combs …. ….. … 0
Reading Glasses 0
TV Remotes … … 0
Clean soup bowls 0

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A recent survey has found that vegetarians live 9 years longer. Nine boring, horrible, worthless, baconless, meatless years.

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As soon as the Zombie Apocalypse hits I'm grabbing a sledgehammer and heading down to the local cemetery for the greatest game of Whack-A-Mole ever.

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Why I walk funny:
10% I’m injured
90% Trying to unstick my ваlls from my leg.

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My next door neighbor is originally from Canada. This past February we had what we call here in Oklahoma a blizzard.
I was discussing the 'blizzard' with my neighbor and ask how this compared to Canada.
His reply, "We call this July."

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I saw a тrамр burning a park bench today,
“What the fuск are you doing? ” I asked.
“Split up with the girlfriend,” he replied, “I’ll be fuскеd if she’s getting the house. ”

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