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When life gives you lemons, make orange music and leave the world wondering how you did it.
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If a child can read then doesn’t that make every book a child’s book?
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I love when you get on planes, they're like, 'In the event of a crash landing, your seat cushion doubles as a flotation device.' If we're crashing, my seat cushion's gonna double as a toilet.
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Unless you're the lead dog, the view never changes.
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A patient tell his therapist:
“I feel awful. I feel like a spoon all the time.”
The therapist says:
“sit still and don’t stir.”
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How many technical writers does it take to sсrеw in a light bulb?
Just one, provided there's a programmer around to explain how to do it.
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To keep the steaks coming to the round table, King Arthur knighted his ace barbequer... Sir Lоin.
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To tag birds migrating, the U. S. Department of the Interior used metal bands that bear the address of the Washington Biological Survey, abbreviated:
Wash. Biol. Surv.
Until the agency received the following letter from a camper:
Dear Sirs,
While camping last week I shot one of your birds. I think it was a crow. I followed the cooking instructions on the leg tag and I want to tell you it was horrible.
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Three Macho Eskimos were arguing about who had the coldest igloo. So they decided to check each one of their igloos, in turn.
Sure he’d win, the first eskimo pulled back his polar-bearskin blanket, and revealed that his bed was made of ice.
“Nah, mine’s colder,” exclaimed the second Eskimo. And when they reached his igloo, it was snowing inside.
“Pretty cold,” conceded the third Eskimo, “but I’ve got you beat.”
He led the way to his igloo, where he pulled back the bedcovers to reveal a brown spot on the bed. Chipping it off with an ice pick, he tossed it into the fire, and after several minutes they heard a noise, like someone passing gas.
In response to the puzzled glances of the other two Eskimos, he exclaimed with a smile, “My igloo is so cold, that even my farts are frozen!”
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A boy came home holding his exam paper which showed full marks. He was crying and his mother asked him why. He said,
"Daddy told me to get 90 marks but I got 100!"
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I spent five minutes fixing a broken clock yesterday.
At least, I think it was five minutes.
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Dear optimists and pessimists,
While you were all arguing over the glass being half full or half empty, I drank it!
Sincerely,
An opportunist
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Whats the similarity between Kodak and condoms.
They are both there to catch those special moments.
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Have you noticed that cars in England have the steering wheels on the wrong side of the car?
No. They’re on the right side of the car
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Q. If a peacock lays 123 eggs a day how many eggs will there be in 456 days?
A. Peacocks don't lay eggs peahens do
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Boy:I want you
Girl: Aww
Boy:To leave me the fuск alone
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Just had a fight with my alarm clock. It wanted me to wake up, I disagreed. Things got violent.
Now the alarm clock’s broken and I’m wide awake, so I’m not sure who won.
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You know you’re getting old when the hairs on your ears are longer than the ones on your head.
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