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"Quick! Call a tree surgeon!"
"Why?"
"My maple tree is bleeding!"
"That's not blood, that's sap."
"What's sap?"
"Nothing. What's sap with you?"
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Just had the following conversation in a job interview.
Interviewer: Describe yourself in 1 word.
Me: Hired.
2nd Interviewer: Can he do that?
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Last night I had a dream that I won the Lottery...
This morning it wasn't a dream come true.
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"Papa Ktoś puka do drzwi. Otwiera Jasiu: - Tato Un gars dit à son voisin : - Un conseiller municipal a fait du porte à porte ce matin. Il demandait si on voulait bien faire un don pour la construction de la piscine municipale. - Ah ? Tu lui as... Son: "Dad Papá - Mamma Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. – I gave him a glass of water. A skót a kertben kaszálja a füvet A skót gyerek odaszalad az anyjához: - Anyu "Jantje Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation toward local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water... Daddy somebody’s at the door. He’s collecting for the district’s new indoor swimming pool. Ok Ένας τύπος ήρθε στη πόρτα να μου ζητήσει δωρεά για τη δημοτική πισίνα και του έδωσα ένα ποτήρι νερό!
A Children’s Charity knocked on my door earlier today asking for a donation to help them build a swimming pool so I gave them a bucket of water.
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Does anyone else get dissapointed when they feel like they are going to have a shiт and it turns out to be a fаrт?
Does anyone else get dissapointed when they feel like they are going to fаrт and it turns out to be a shiт?
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Guy: FAIL!!!
Other Guy: No one wants to hear about your life
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I wish I were a unicorn…. so I could stab idiots with my head.
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Q:What can you catch, but not throw?
A:A cold.
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The local hospital for the criminally insane has been trying to help the inmates adjust to society and also get exercise at the same time. So, they built a nice nature center with a nature trail around the grounds.
What did they name this nature trail?
What else, Рsyсhо Path.
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They were the type of children who would кill both parents and make you feel sorry for them because they were orphans.
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An Antartian was standing in front of a soda machine muttering, "You're a dumb-looking button. You don't have much of a future, either. You're going to be replaced by a much better looking button."
"What are you doing?" another Antartian asked.
The Antartian quickly pointed to the sign on the front of the machine that read "DEPRESS BUTTON FOR ICE".
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That akward moment when your girlfriend come to you and asks " How do i look ?" but by mistake she steps of your foot with those heels and you scream out " SНIТ ! "
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My wife has just asked me if I want to go upstairs with her and she’ll put on a Black Lacy number for me.
I said, “No thanks, I fuскing hate Agadoo.”
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A new monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to help the other
Monks in copying the old texts by hand. He notices, however, that they
Are copying from copies, not the original manuscripts.
So, the new monk goes to the head monk to ask him about this, pointing
Out that if there were an error in the first copy, that error would be
Continued in all of the subsequent copies.
The head monk says,
"We have been copying from the copies for centuries,but
You make a good point, my son."
So, he goes down into the cellar with one of the copies to check it
Against the original. Hours go by and nobody sees him. So, one of the
Monks goes downstairs to look for him.
Hearing sobbing coming from the back of the cellar, he finds the old monk
Leaning over one of the original books crying.
He asks the old monk what's wrong, and in a choked voice came the reply,
"The word is celebrate."
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Not to be outdone by their neighbours, in the weeks that followed, an American Archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story published in the New York Times:
“American archaeologists, finding traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their Ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the Canadians”.
One week later, the British authorities reported the following:
“After digging as deep as 30 feet in North Yorkshire, Jack Arkwright, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely fuск all.
Jack has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Britain had already gone wireless!
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If Gillette continue to increase the amount of blades on their razors, then we’re going to end up shaving with cheese graters.
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If every day is a gift then in 2016 I’ve mostly been getting socks.
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The driving instructor was giving lessons to an extremely nervous student who panicked whenever another car approached on a particular two-lane road. One day, however, they got to the same stretch of road; and the student remained completely calm.
“This time you’re doing fine!” exclaimed the instructor. “Yes,” the novice driver agreed.
“Now when I see another car coming, I shut my eyes.”
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