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Whats a pirates favourite subject? Arrrrt!

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"Cannoli", My girlfriend was getting on my last nerve by telling me to go here, go there, do this, do that so earlier i just couldn't take it anymore so i told her to calm the fuск down b*tch I "Cannoli" do one thing at a time,

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One caller to our answering service gave me his name, number and message and then said,
"You know my name. What's yours?"
"4136," I replied, since we were allowed only to give our operator numbers.
Sounding disappointed, he said,
"May I call you by your first digit, or would that be too personal?"

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A father and son went deep-sea fishing. Out at sea, the father sees his son drilling a hole in the boat, when asked what he was doing, the son replied, "there's water coming into the boat, so I made a another hole for it to escape."

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What can be swallowed, but can also swallow you?
Water.

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A saxophone is like a lawsuit.
Everyone is happy when the case is closed.

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Don't you hate it when someone says what are you looking at even though they already know what the fuск there looking at

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I rear-ended another car this morning. I tell you, I knew right then and there that it was going to be a really bad day.
The driver got out of the other car, and wouldn't you know it!
He was a dwarf!! He looked up at me and said,
"I am 'Not Happy.'
So I said,
"Well, then, which one are you?"
And, that's how the fight started.

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A Sergeant Major stands before one of his corporals and says
" I didn't see you at camouflage class last night corporal Jones"
" Thank you sir " replied the corporal

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Misses looks at me all seductive last night like an says “Get me one of those things that start with the letter ‘D’ and ends with the letter ‘O’ so I can make sweet music by myself when you’re not here” …wink, wink.
“Вlооdy typical that is” I think to myself “Where the hеll at this time of year am I gonna find a didgeridoo?

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How come everyone loves it when when a magician makes stuff disappear but when an airline pilot does it everyone freaks out?

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Do you know why Noah didn’t fish very often?
He only had two worms.

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I’m fed up of people calling me a dealer. Wееd is a plant so technically I’m a florist.

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Years ago someone in California hollered “Gold,” and people drove from all directions. That’s the way they still drive in California.

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Just been pulled over by a cop. He said ‘can you identify yourself sir’ so I pulled out a mirror and said ‘yep that’s me!’

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I feel like if I was a super hero and my power was saving people from awkward conversations, I would be more popular than Superman.

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Judge: Why did you hit your husband with a chair?
Wife: Because I couldn't lift the table!

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“That is him.” I said to my wife in the shopping centre. “That’s Kenny Baker, the actor who played R2D2 in Star Wars.”
“Are you sure?” she asked. “It doesn’t look like him, go on over and ask.”
A couple of minutes later I walked back over to her. “Well, what did he say?”
“Nothing.” I said. “It’s a ruввish bin.”

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