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Teacher:
"I hope I didn't see you looking at Tim's exam paper."
Pupil:
"I hope you didn't see me either!"

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Amos was sitting on the steps of the town store when a red convertible with Massachusetts plates rolled up and the driver says,
"Hey, Bub which way to East Vassalboro?"
Amos says,
"How did you know my name was Bub?"
"Just a lucky guess, I guess." replied the driver.
"Well, says Amos, see if you can get lucky again and guess the way to East Vassalboro."

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“What’s your name?”
“David fuскing Smith”
“Do you suffer from tourettes David?”
“No but the vicar at the christening did”

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Q. What’s the difference between an apple and a decapitated head?
A. I don’t come all over an apple before eating it.

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*Text*
Father: Son, where are you?
Son: I'm with my girlfriend
Father: What?
Son: Kidding, I'm at the ghetto selling drugs
Father: Good

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Do you know what a mice said when it saw a bat?
Mom ! I see an angel.

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Q:What kind of room has no windows or doors?
A:A mushroom.

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If a fire hydrant has H2O on the inside what is on the outside?
K9p

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While driving along the back roads of a small town, two novice truckers came to an overpass with a sign that read CLEARANCE 11'3". They got out and measured their rig, which was 12'4" high..."What do you think?" one asked the other. The driver looked around carefully, then shifted into first. "Not a cop in sight. Let's take a chance!"

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When the waitress in a New York City restaurant brought him the soup of the day, the Englishman was a bit dismayed. "Good heavens," he said,
"What is this?"
"It's bean soup," she replied.
"I don't care what it's been," he replied. "I want to know what it is now?"

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What do you call Beethoven's skeleton sitting in a cave erasing symphonies?
Decomposing.

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I’ve just published a book on D. I. Y.
It’s blank and comes with a free pen.

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You can’t turn a whоrе into a housewife, unless you’re a television network.

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Never spill hot espresso on yourself because it hurts a latte!

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Teachers are dumb af
Student: Can I go to the toilet?
Teacher: To do what?
Student: To slaythe magic dragon, what the f*ckkk

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Press kickass if your name is not JEFF

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Just poured superglue into a non-stick pan…. Somebody is going to be wrong.

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My grandma always says that she never gets any phone calls. So, for her birthday, I put one of those 'How's my driving?' bumper stickers on her car. The phone's pretty much ringing off the hook now.

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