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I hate to fly. They say flying is safer than driving. That's a lie, isn't it? If your car stalls, you don't fall outta the sky.

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When a warming trend hit the Artic, scientists were assigned to watch glaciers in danger of splitting. Naturally, all of the researchers had to have good ice sight.

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I bet I can maı̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̨̨̨̨̨̨ke you wipe your screen.

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Someone started choking in the Starbucks line. It was soooo scary. Thankfully they opened up another register.

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Theme parks can snap crystal clear picture of you on a moving roller coaster at 70 mph…
… but, bank cameras can’t get a clear shot of a robber standing still?

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I'm just not good with computers. I remain not good. I had to call up the tech support guy this week, get some help with the home computer. He starts asking me questions, 'What kind of operating system have you got there, sir?'
'Uh, electricity, I think. Yeah, I've been plugging into my wall. I've been having some luck with that.'

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Pajamas - they’re sтuрid. … They make no sense at all. … If I’m gonna make the effort to put on a matching top and bottom, I might as well put on an open collar shirt, a little English Leather and go out for the evening.

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"6 bucks for 1 question !" said the fortune teller to the client.
" That's really expensive, isn't it ?"
" Next please !"

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A milman threw a carton of milk at me how dairy

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My dog was so traumatised by all the ваnging, screeching and wailing on Saturday night that she cowered behind the sofa and didn’t come out until the whole racket was over.
From now on we’re going to put her in the kitchen when we watch the X Factor!

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It’s amazing how stepping on Lego can give you a totally new perspective on life and make you reevaluate your life choices.

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Though he loved the design of his new tie, Harry had no choice but to take it back to the store. When the clerk asked what was wrong with it, Harry said, “To tight.”

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I got myself I guide dog today.
I’m not blind. I just want to stop walking into lamp posts whilst sending a text.

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Mum:Quit playing around and do your homework you son of a b*tch!
Son:Well mom if i'm the son then you're the b*tch.

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Heading into the jungle on his first safari, the American visitor was confident he could handle any emergency. He sidled up to the experienced native guide and said smugly. “I know that carrying a torch will keep lions away.” “True,” the guide replied. “But it depends on how fast you carry the torch

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I was at a tanning salon the other day and noticed a customer running off without paying...
I heard the cashier yell out, "You better get back here or I'll tan your backside!"

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I always have this dream that the guy coming in last for diving is going to do a cannonball for our amusement.

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Wife: Honey? What do you think about my teeth?
Husband: They remind me of stars... Yellow and far apart.

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