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During Antiques Roadshow today, I looked at the 19th century mahogany chest of drawers in the corner of my living room and thought:
“Maybe that’s where the fuскing remote is.”

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If you really think about it,
The Wright Brothers are responsible for 9 /11.

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Bob the builder broke up with his girlfriend. He couldn't fix it.

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I banged a girl so hard........................................
With a hammer.

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What’s soft and slippery?
A slipper.

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I was driving along the Stuart Highway when I saw a sign saying "Rest Area 50 Kilometers" and thought WOW that’s big

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If you walk in my yard looking for Pokémon, you may catch a glockachu.

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If you walk by a pond and hear someone shouting, "I'm thinking! I'm thinking!", you better spring into action...
He could have a lisp.

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I didn't realize how bad of a driver I was until my navigation system said:
"In 400 feet, do a slight right, stop, and let me out."

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If you had the choice between being as rich as Bill Gates or having world peace, what color Lamborghini would you buy?

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“My thoughts are with my young neighbor at this time.”
“Has there been an accident?”
“No, she’s just really hot.”

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Which came first, the chicken or the egg?
It depends on the delivery system...
If you drop them out of a plane, definitely the egg.

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Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three hundred fifty thousand times, you're a weatherman.

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Got arrested last night. Apparently watching your lover sleep is only romantic if they know who you are.

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“Where’s all this shiт coming from?”
Thought the fаn.

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Despite my last 12,000 tweets, I'm actually really fun.

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Ring Ring....
(I pick up the phone)
- Hey Dude, you ready to party??
Me: Who is it, anyway?
- Sorry, wrong number.
- Bye
(Disconnects)
Me: But I want to Party

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President Clinton decided to buy a puppy as a present for Hillary. He snuck the puppy under his coat into the White House and as he was walking down one of the halls he comes upon Al Gore. Clinton could not hold back his joy and shared his surprise with the Vice President.
"Look what I got for Hillary!" exclaims Clinton, holding up the puppy.
Al Gore stares for a moment, then his eyes brighten up as he says,
"Nice trade, sir!"

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