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One of the courses I taught when I was a college professor was Freshman English. To my first class of students I described the basic parts of an essay:
"Remember, the three parts of an essay are the Introduction, the Body, and the Confusion".

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My favorite way to de-clutter my space is to hold every item I own. If it does not bring me any joy, I toss it out.
So far I have thrown out all my vegetables, my electrical bill, a scale, a mirror, and my treadmill.

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A teacher in class notices a little puddle below Suzie’s chair.
“Ah, Suzie, why didn’t you put your hand up?”
“I did, Miss, but it just ran through me fuскing fingers.”

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When I saw that вuтт, it took my breath away. I guess you could say I have аss-ma

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Why don't ghosts wear shoes?
They're sole-less!

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I found a rock yesterday which measured 1760 yards in length. Must be some kind of milestone.

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I used to have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it.

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It's the annual hairdressing awards tonight. I hope I get home in time to catch the highlights????

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I just realised that I haven't done the hokey pokey in over 10 years. I guess when you get older, you just forget what it's all about.

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How does Joshua Huynh get girls?
He seduces them with his Secy awkwardness

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My psychiatrist recently told me I should stop avoiding conflicts so I’ve just booked a holiday to Syria.

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Just got fired from my job at Lastminute. Com, I kept turning up late.

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Definition of Epitaph: A belated advertisement for a line of goods that has been permanently discontinued.

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Why is there only one Yogi Bear?
Because the second one was a Boo-Boo.

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A 5-year old girl went to visit her grandmother one day.
She played with her dolls as grandma dusted the furniture. At one point, she looked up and asked:
“Grandma, how come you don’t have a boyfriend?”
Grandma replied:
“Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The TV evangelists keep me company and make me feel so good.
“The comedies make me laugh. I’m so happy with my TV as my boyfriend.”
Grandma turned on the TV and the picture was horrible. She started adjusting the knobs trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the back of the TV hoping to fix the problem. The little girl heard the doorbell ring so she hurried to open the front door.
When she opened the door, there stood Grandma’s minister. The minister said:
“Hello young lady. Is your grandma home?”
The little girl replied:
“Yeah, she’s in the bedroom bangin’ her boyfriend.”

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I’ve just got on the bus with my heavily pregnant girlfriend and not one person was polite enough to give up their seat for her. 10 minutes of me tutting, giving dirтy looks, etc, and still nobody would offer her their seat. In the end I was so angry,
I stood up and let her have MY fсuкing seat.

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I gave my liver a big surprise today, I actually drank a glass of water.

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Ours is a good restaurant, said the manager. “If you order an egg, you get the freshest egg in the world. If you order hot coffee, you get the hottest coffee in the world, and” -
“ I believe you,” said the customer. “I ordered a small steak”

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